and the story begins...

2010-03-01T15:05:00.003+08:00

first day of uni life kick started with lectures. no ice breaking session. no fun. argh...
say bye bye to laziness and welcome hectic life.soon.

2010-02-10T01:19:00.003+08:00

well, happy birthday to myself. i'm anticipating to know what's coming up in a few hours later. hehe...

ps: i'm forever 18! XD n counting down to my next birthday......
364 days =.=

2010-01-28T23:06:00.004+08:00

honestly, now that i look back and reconsider the decision i've made, i wonder if i made the right choice. the environment at nilai is ulu (no doubt) but yet so people-friendly. come to think of it, if i were to choose other universities instead of monash, my parents will be less burdened. why IMU has only one july intake for my course?!!! >.<
*sigh*
it might be a little too late to say this now as i've already paid the initial fees and booked a room at PJS9 sunway...
hope everything turns out well when i am there. a bit sien of making new friends and start everything all over again. after high school ended, yes. i couldnt wait to meet new people and enjoy my college life at inti. now? i don't know. people who are so close to me are not there for me whenever i need them anymore. =(

this is just another emo post...

2010-01-15T01:31:00.003+08:00

i forgot to mention...
i am on my way in achieving my dreams!!!

monash, here i come!
new life in university might not be as great or awesome as to the college life in inti back then. without the presence of my love ones i hope i can adapt to the new environment and enjoy my university life there.

2010-01-13T22:42:00.004+08:00

i am certain that my blog has no readership anymore but never mind. i know that in 10years time and when i feel old i will read everything in my blog again to get a boost of feeling young. after 5days of working part time, i have to say, yes, money is hard to earn indeed. every single minute during work seems like years to me. and when i am having my break, it's just a blink of an eye. for all i know i was out to explore while munching on something, the next second the break time was already over. when i had nothing to do during work, i people watch. it's something fun though. looking at how people dress themselves up, how people communicate with their partner, how they walk, how they manage to go shopping and have bags of goods in their hands during non sales period...

21things i realised during work:
1. about 80% of girls wear make up to mall
2. 50% of them line their eyes
3. 50% wear heels, 25% wear flats, 10% wear sandals, 10% wear flip flops, 5% wear others like sneakers, sport shoes, etc...
4. i see around 10 LVs a day. but only 1 or 2 is authentic LV. i secretly wish for one too =( never mind, i get my first coach bag first before proceeding to higher ranking LV
5. some girls can spend almost an hour in the shop i work. crazier than me!
6. 70% of boyfriends accompany their girlfriends into the shop and give comments, 30% stay outside because it's an accessories shop so, non of their business!
7. i meet weird customers everyday
8. 60% of boyfriends put their hand on their girlfriends' waist, 35% hold hands, 5% others
9. 70% of girls have their hair coloured
10. 80% of females who go into the shop will go out with something (plastic) in their hands
11. people can shop in the shop i work as early as 10am
12. this shop is like a pit-stop for every females
13. around 5 customers in a minutes' time
14. i see people who has the same fashion taste. ok i kinda know they all shop from bugis,sg
15. i wonder why so many people buy shoes from Emax. coz it's cheap? i want to go and have a look too. please tell me where it is!!!
16. i keep thinking about going to school, be with my friends... i hate work
17. i miss the goyang-kaki time at home. i want to rot
18. i crave for food (fries from mcd, pretzel from auntie anne's, chocolate bread from seasons, bubble tea from cool blog, jco donuts, starbucks, rice burger from summer......
19. the people who invented chair is so awesome. standing the whole day kills me
20. i feel like wanting to shop, shop, shop so much during work. where did they get their shoes from? where did they get their tops from? where did they...
21. the more i miss that someone whenever i see couples hanging around T.T

happy 19th to CALly my superSTAR. hope you had a good time. BFF!

ciao.

2009-12-27T23:40:00.002+08:00

i should learn to start to deal with imperfections and disappointments...

2009-12-26T00:29:00.003+08:00

sometimes i don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than my dreams...
I will always cherish
Our nights in faraway land INTI, under the moonlight...

happy birthday to you.
my ♥

2009-12-16T15:18:00.002+08:00

I hate uncertainties in life, as much as most people do. Just not too long ago, I checked my result online. it was not bad, it was not too good either. It was just satisfying. Of course what I expected was even worse. I have always expected the worst of the worse. Knowing my result doesn’t seem to be a relief for me. when you see people who are close to you, well, so far two person is better than you, you know you are not good enough.

now, it’s the time of the year to think about future again. what lies In future will always be an unknown. I keep thinking about going to monash in my head. So what happens after I go monash next year? First of all, I will be separated from Y. maybe we could only meet once or twice a month. Even now, Y is too busy and it’s really, really hard to meet up. And if Y goes overseas in the last year of his undergraduate course, I think skype is the only way to see Y. which means, my webcam and headset would be a substitute of Y. if I were to stay in inti, I think we would be having another 2-3 years of happy time together. As in together for real, but not virtually on the net. Y is not the only reason for me to stay behind. The fee is much cheaper in inti compared to monash. Frankly speaking, the thought of me staying at inti next year crossed my mind a few times since I came back home.

Education wise. Where I head for university and the quality of the cert will determine my employability for my job in future. I don’t want to be jobless when I graduate. Since monash ranked 25 in life sciences and biomedicine for the year 2009, my heart asks me to go for it. In the mean time I have to consider a lot of things too, not just about Y.
how perfect right, if everything could go the way i want them to be…
=(

2009-12-15T22:23:00.005+08:00

it has been a week since i came back.. it's so boring to rot my days away. i want to find a job to get some cash for all my needs, but i don't feel like working. i want to go out, but looking at the weather each day, i feel like staying at home and do nothing at all. i want to start a blog shop, but i don't know where to start as to begin with a blog shop, i must know what to sell... >.<

i turned nocturnal since don't know when. i guess it started during trial examination. i'm active and productive at night, whereas during the days i'm just clueless on what to do to occupy myself. dark circles love me so much now and i think i can't do anything to get rid of them as i'm having terrible insomnia. i never failed to have insomnia during holidays. i will only be able to fell asleep around 4am! so when i can't sleep, i think about things or 'blog' in my head, which is really a waste of time. i'd rather spend those time dreaming of my price charming.

this post is really random and as usual, about my random rantings. i'm in short of cash and i need a lot a lot of $$$$ to satisfy all my needs. since i'm so bored, i am listing down all my wishful thinkings on all the stuff i want.

here's my material list,
1. nikon coolpix S70 digital camera, RM1000++
2. sony ericsson w995 walkman phone/ iphone 3GS, RM1000+/USD199
3. sony NWZ-S544F walkman mp3 player(red), RM499
4. a coach bag, price unknown (1k/2k??)
5. garnier light brightening eye roll-on, RM21.90
6. maybelline volum' express hyper curl cat eyes mascara, RM33.90
7. cleansing express sebum makeup remover, RM 34.90
8. blue and brown nail polish, RM 5.90 each
9. revlon beyond natural skin matching make up with SPF 15, RM 59
10. clinique superfit liquid foundation, RM 105
11. the body shop vitamin c facial mist, RM49
12. the gift, if you could see me now by cecelia ahern, RM34.90/ RM36.90
13. remember me? by sophie kinsella, RM35.90
14. the lost symbol by dan brown, RM99
15. have a little faith by mitch albom, RM32.90
16. who's that girl by alexandra potter, RM35.90
17. my sister's keeper by jodi picoult, RM34.90
18. starbucks year 2010 planner, RM50/ free with 11 wish stamps
19. bow wallet from guess, RM179
20. a layered skirt from topshop, RM89

total cost: approx RM 3643 (without considering the coach bag) o.O

just being materialistic here. my sony phone still working perfectly fine, it's alright to not to have my own digital camera, just dreaming of getting a coach bag, my wallet is still usable, i can live without a mp3 player, i can read those books at the bookstore (i will be able to finish them if i go popular every single day for a month), year planner from starbucks is not neccessary, i have many skirts, i have sufficient make up stuff and nail polishes...

but i still want them.... if i could have them all... =(

there will be more and more things that i want to buy... there are still things that i can never get enough of (shoes, clothes, hairbands, books, bags...)
and oh, the eye brightening thing is vital because i hate how panda i look now.

i need a lot a lot of cash...
what i want for chirstmas is that money, loads of money will drop from the ceiling of my room while i sleep on the eve of christmas. XD

tata.

2009-12-10T23:04:00.004+08:00

chance upon a few blogs own by my course mate in college. i realised how much i miss them and the life there. being at home for the third day now, what i can say is... i feel so bored at home. i miss my peeps in inti. of course i miss my lovely friends here too. please make yourself free as soon as possible, i wanna hang out!!!

i never thought i would miss college. used to dislike that place actually. it's too jungle-ish. and the people there... are very different. being away from parents and the comfort of home was hard at first. it was hard to manage my expenditure every month. i always seemed not to have enough money to spend. and now that i'm back home with all the stuff that i've bought when i was there, i do realise why i did not have enough money to spend and had to chunk on bread every time i went broke.

college life was truly an awesome and different experience.
my college life...
1. download movies or dramas and watch them. there are download hubs available for students to share files online. it's so convenient as any new movies will be there soon after they are released.
2. supper at night. burger/go for mamak
3. shopping once a month. usually the place we go it's mid valley/seremban. other places are too far and inconvenient.
4. play left4dead at cyber cafe with friends. tell you all a secret, there was once we all played until 4am. it was during my study break period, where exam was just like uhh... 5days away?!
5. slumber party at girl friends room
6. chit chat, watch movies, do assignment in the common room of my block
7. jogging at the street behind hostel blocks (very rarely)
8. recently... i have the habit of making a trip(walk) to the street behind hostel blocks (known as toufu street) after dinner/ supper with that someone.

i still remember the first day i arrived at inti. i cried when my parents had to leave to go back to jb after they helped to put all the stuff to my room on the 3rd floor . mum said " don't be silly. you can always go home. nilai and jb is not too far away and you volunteered to come here." yes. i know i was the one who wanted to go there in the first place. i was yearning for a change in my life, a new and different me in college but still the ME you know. college, was the time people start to know me as Renee.

so, i started off my college life by having a room mate. she was an Indonesian chinese. typical rich indon chinese. she was nice and ok to me. well, those attitude didn't last very long. i had my first dinner in inti with her and her indon friends. to tell the truth, they were not very nice and friendly actually. i was left out during the dinner. they were speaking indon and at that time i was not very good in listening indon so i didn't know what the heck they were saying. all i could do during the dinner was playing the games on my phone or sms friends to shoo away the 'sesat-ness' i felt. i hate that i didn't go for orientation to get to know some friends. then, my room mate brought me to her friend's apartment. i followed coz i didn't want to go back hostel alone and i wasn't very sure of the way back. a few of her friends(boys and girls) are staying in the apartment beside inti hostel block. i almost felt that my safety was being threatened at that time due to the presence of two of her guy friends in that house.

then, the first day of class. i got up extra early to get myself prepared and also to be able to use the bathroom before my room mate got up. i was kind of nervous to go to class though. i didn't went for the campus tour so i didn't know which was the right way to walk to the right block and the right classroom. i just followed the crowd. i felt really, really out of place.
finally i found the classroom. i saw groups of people sitting together and talking already, as if they already knew each other well. i aimed and spotted a place to sit. there, it was how i got to know cindy. i saw her sitting alone and seemed to be quite a nice person to hang along so i chose to sit beside her instead of joining the crowd. i was to blame for the nightmares she gave me and my friends after that, as i spotted the wrong person on the first day of school. i shall not elaborate on what type of person she is in this post. all i can say is, do not judge a book by its cover.

i got to know a few great friends in the process of learning. ameline, jong shin, su ann, li ming, alson pay, wei chia...

ameline, from kedah, is like my twin sister/long lost sister. we have sooooo much in common. except that she's smarter. we have almost the same taste in food and fashion. she knows what i like or dislike and i know everything about her. we hummed the same tune when walking to class, we gilggled and gossiped at the staircase of our block for more than an hour, we had our girls night in each other's room... we applied make up together before going out, we joked, we had fun, we studied, we watched movies, we had lunch, dinner, supper.... together for so many months. and now, everything is without you. i miss you.

jong shin is a guy from batu pahat and a state swimmer. he's like a good sister to everyone. i miss the food he brought to class. he makes breakfast for his close friends in class almost every single day. he's well known among the lecturers as the-guy-who-always-has-bread-in-his-tupperware. lol.

then, su ann... my lab partner from melaka. my previous bio lecturer mistaken me and her for unknown reason. we do not look alike but she's fun to talk to. i miss the time the two of us squeezed together in her single bed. hopefully i get to be her housemate, roommate or whatever next year in monash.

li ming is from melaka too. i got to know her during english lesson. our english class had too many people so we had to be separated into two classes. i was so gullible i went to the wrong class and sat there for more than half an hour and then only realised i had to go to the other class starting from that day. li ming is more introvert compare to others. her boyfriend is from singapore poly and i went to find them once during semester break. he treated me sushi-teh and bens and jerry ice cream.

alson pay is from kulai. he's very funny and has a girlfriend in kulai so he always bibi here bibi there to show how much he loves his bibi. however, he seemed to change during exam time. he became less talkative and even walked away from us. there was once he waited for me at seremban bus terminal for 1 hour in trading of a sundae. i still owe him though. XD he introduced the famous bakery in kulai to me. and oh, his eyes get very big whenever there was food.

wei chia, ameline's bf... the driver who drives us anywhere around nilai. he is really different to those guy friends i know. and well, thanks to him and ameline as they are the matchmaker.

then, i got to know yeoh chin how. what can i say... he's the special person in my life now.

as you can see, my college life is more about fun and food, with less studies. i did not expect my college life to be like this. i was prepared to be a hardworking student, a nerd, at least for that 8 months time... sometimes i was not very please or proud with my results as i know i could do better if i studied harder.

will still be visiting inti next year. just that things will be different already, without most of the familiar faces there.

2009-12-06T08:01:00.003+08:00

how time flies in a blink of an eye. it's time to go home today, for good. good bye inti. i will still be visiting inti quite often next year, to meet up with my dearest companion and friends. to go cc and play left4dead with them, burger or bistro for supper, shopping spree at mid valley, gossip around, study room, slumber party, toufu street... ask me personally if you want to know what is meant by toufu street.

it was a great and different experience in college. i love my college life and friends..
hmm, except inti. i just don't wish to further my degree here although i have reason to stay around.

thank you for everything and the little surprise farewell party that someone specially organised for me. love you all <3

ps, result will be out around the 20th. i hope for a wonderful Christmas present this year.

2009-11-22T20:39:00.001+08:00

i had a bad dream.

every one was getting TER of 95 and above except me...

=(

2009-11-11T15:44:00.004+08:00

hi hi i'm back to the blog sphere once again. =)

today is the day i officially finish Self Abuse Matriculation. i never thought it really meant that way but after 8 months of struggling, i think it makes sense. i used to think TER (tertiary entrance rank) of 90 is not that hard to get and i blamed the lady who works in the Inti's office located at the X floor of City Square. she showed me samples of results. few students got 1 or 2 B for certain subjects and they still got a TER of 85 and above. so i thought, they might not be that good. i can probably get all A's. =.=

if SAM was the second easiest pre-u program in the whole world, i can't imagine doing A level or STPM. maybe, just maybe... 8 months is really way too fast.i guess i underestimated everything in inti. you don't have to go clubbing, stay around subang area to have all sorts of distractions that will make you lose the will and motivation to study. in the jungles of nilai, inti has its own sort of entertainment and distractions.

to be frank, i chose SAM because i want to take shortcut and it is easier compared to A level. even now that my public exam is officially over about 1 hour ago, i still wonder if i chose the correct path.
another piece of bad news. monash's tuition fee increase again. i want to go monash but how to go when it is so expensive?! if i were to continue in inti, i would have save at least 80k, which is enough to buy a Toyota Vios. however, my heart is telling me that inti is not the right one for me. I AM YOU or MONASH?? =( or Inti....

well, will just have a short update for now. will blog soon because i have so much to share and to rant about.
life still goes on. so, mid valley for movie tomorrow! it's been so long.......

2009-10-03T13:19:00.003+08:00

memories in jungle (Inti)....

pictures taken during presentations

memories in lab

photosessions

photoshoot. bausch and lomb came to my college to have a roadshow. so, who ever bought their promotion package for RM 35 is entitled to go for the photoshoot. it was quite embarassing because it was in an open area where there were a lot of passerby. i went for it during non-peak hour, where students are attending classes. the picture wasn't very satisfying as my eye bags are huge! >.<

2009-09-26T23:49:00.005+08:00

i'm so upset now. i went to the dental clinic as i've mentioned in the previous post. the problem with my tooth didn't seem to be as simple as i thought. i thought i just have to fill the hole of my tooth and after that i will have no more worries. i never knew it would require as a complicated procedure in order the fix that tooth. not really that complicated but my tooth is in danger!!! i only have 2 options, as the dentist told me.

1. extract it.. and there will be one big space which gives me difficulties in chewing food. the problematic tooth is in the lower molar, at the back some more!

2. undergo root canal treatment. i didn't know what kind of treatment was that when the dentist told me in the clinic. i was shocked to hear that such treatment can cost more than RM 500. for that one tooth, it's not worth the money at all! besides, it requires a few trips of treatment and i don't have the time for it when i'm here in inti. i 'm having my trial in two weeks time and my public exam day is approaching. at that moment i can't imagine i have to spend so much of money on this tooth and keep coming to the clinic once a week to do the treatment. i couldn't think properly. i didn't want to do it. i don't want to lose my tooth though. i don't want to extract it and leave the space as it is, or extract it then opt for other procedure to replace the lost tooth which would be more costly than the root canal treatment.

i regret for not taking good care of my teeth when i was a child. i also never knew that one tooth could be so significant in its own way. well, at the end of the day i didn't agree with the treatment. i will do it when i go back home in december as i don't quite like the feeling of having my tooth being treated far away from home and to pay the money myself. money is so important when you are far away from home.
so, i had my tooth filled temporarily. i hope nothing bad will happen before my exam finishes and before i get back home after the completion of my course.

***here are something scary i found on the net just now. i was curious so i searched to find out more about the treatment.

A root canal is a treatment used to repair and save a tooth that is badly decayed or becomes infected. During a root canal procedure, the nerve and pulp are removed and the inside of the tooth is cleaned and sealed. Without treatment, the tissue surrounding the tooth will become infected and abscesses may form.

an infection in the root canal of a tooth can cause:

Swelling that may spread to other areas of the face, neck, or head
Bone loss around the tip of the root (that tooth of mine is a bit shaky now)
Drainage problems extending outward from the root. A hole can occur through the side of the tooth with drainage into the gums or through the cheek with drainage into the skin.

signs to look for include:

Severe toothache pain upon chewing or application of pressure (i wanted to lie. but yes, this is what i experienced T.T)
Prolonged sensitivity/pain to heat or cold temperatures (yeap. a bit)
Discoloration (a darkening) of the tooth (N/A)
Swelling and tenderness in the nearby gums (yes)
A persistent or recurring pimple on the gums (N/A)

(words in bold are symptoms that i experienced for the past 3 days, at least not for now.)

What Happens During the Procedure?

-A root canal requires one or more office visits.
-first step in the procedure is to take an X-ray to see the shape of the root canals and determine if there are any signs of infection in a surrounding bone. anesthesia to numb the area near the tooth
-An access hole will then be drilled into the tooth
-Once the tooth is thoroughly cleaned, it is sealed.
-next appointment, to fill the interior of the tooth
-final step, a crown, crown and post or other restoration often needs to be placed on the tooth to protect it, prevent it from breaking and restore it to full function.

Root canal procedures have the reputation of being painful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so scary... T.T
The cost varies depending on how severe the problem is and the tooth affected. range from $350 to $540 for an incisor and $520 to $800 for a molar. gosh, i so don't willing to spend so much of money on one tooth but do i actually have a choice?!

The only alternative to a root canal procedure is having the tooth extracted and replaced with a bridge, implant, or removable partial denture to restore chewing function and prevent adjacent teeth from shifting. These alternatives not only are more expensive than a root canal procedure but require more treatment time and additional procedures to adjacent teeth and supporting tissues. (you see, that left me no choice but have to undergo that treatment no matter what , when i get back to JB of course.)

"My dentist told me that in order to save my lower molar, it had to undergo through the process of root canal. Though I didn’t have any idea of what I was all about I agreed. I was really desperate in saving my molar that I went for it for 4 thousand pesos."

"I just had my first root canal done today on a molar (#15) and I am in a lot of pain, the procedure was not that bad compare to the pain afterwards. paying almost $2,000 for a procedure that it is both painful and long. "

sigh.

resource: http://www.medicinenet.com/root_canal/page3.htm

2009-09-26T11:51:00.003+08:00

i'm so sorry for the lack of updates of my life. you probably wouldn't want to know either. it has been so long since i last visited my blog though. and now i don't know what the heck has happened to my blog skin so i had to remove the old one and replace with this new look. i will get a new skin ASAP IF i have the mood and the time to blog. i've been such an lazy bum. don't think that just because i didn't blog so often, it means i've been choking on books. no okay.. no!
i'm blogging here just to let those of you who are concern enough to read my blog that i've got little problem with my tooth here. i am going to the dentist later. T.T well, it's just in 5minutes time. my friend will be fetching me to the dentist. gosh when was the last time that i've ever step my foot in a dental clinic again... will let you all know about the cause and details when i get back (if anyone knows that i actually posted a new post).
wish me luck! =(

2009-08-03T17:32:00.003+08:00

hola i'm back. there must be a reason since i'm back here to blog. i'm not exactly that free to blog about my life here. i don't know, i kind of messed up every tests that i sat for. i didn't seem to do as well as i expected myself to do and also, compared to my friends, i'm slacking behind and also not as hardworking as them. sigh... it's already august now. next week is final exam for the semester and then 2nd november it's the public exam. i'm not prepared. ='(
i feel that i've achieve nothing since i came here. i don't engross in all the night life or freedom i have here. or getting involve in a relationship like most people do when they go to college. in fact, i stay in my room most of the time now--- watch all the movies and series i can. that's a huge distraction. that's why, i ended up studying one day before tests and don't even have the time to blog. =.=

my sucky room mate bought a speaker on saturday. well, she's using a vaio laptop. the sound system should be not bad and i don't see the point that she needs a speaker. oh gosh, help me..... why can't she be more normal?! this time, if she cross the border, don't scold me for being mean. i need to motivate myself to study hard already! she better not be another source of distraction to me.

oh ya, a staff working in the library got infected by the h1n1 virus. however, inti won't be closing down as exam is due next week and it cannot be postponed. last week i was so scared that i got infected too. you know, once you have flu-like symptoms.. i went to the doctor and this stuck in front of the clinic.
LOL...

okay it's time to go back to the books.
tata! i'll be back in jb on the 14th.

2009-07-04T23:41:00.004+08:00

oh no!! i didn't realise that it's has been a month since i blogged. i told myself to blog more often but see what happened... haha. well, i was not exactly that busy. i spent most of my time playing facebook games. =.= i know. you will give me such a look. too stressed out sometimes, you know. 4months till my public exam. just like sitting for spm again. i'm not prepared and i don't know how not to flunk my maths and chemistry tests. calculus = sucks.
so far, no failure in any subjects yet-since kindergarten. =)
life plan??? long long way to go. at times i ask myself, did i choose the wrong path? is it what i really want? ='(

life in inti is still ok.
advantages: freedom, no curfew, free to socialise, online almost 24/7, sleep over, dc++ the best tool ever to download movies to pass time

disadvantages: weight gain- college students feel hungry easily, financial crisis early of the month because i go shopping at mid valley, sucky room mate, room too cold, lack of beauty sleep, lack of nutritious food and fruits, dad calls every night, do laundry myself- accumulate for two weeks in the end not enough hanger to hang clothes and clothes become smelly, miss jb food, miss my friends, become more materialistic as mid valley is the nearest place to go

gelato fruity ice cream!! only 6.80. better and cheaper than baskin robbins
so many receipts in just a day. there are few more actually, i threw them away... have to eat grass next week, in debt!

mid valley- two shopaholic. (ee fuan and me)

me and mei ping -the two committees for the boring emcee training event of STACT club.
orientation night. durex is in the goodies bags!! and i've got four. haha... advantage of being the committee, take whatever you want from the goodies bags. *ps, 4th july is the date for inti ball. it's held at the legend hotel. x date, x sponsor, x go...
met up with cal when i went home for the weekend
in bio lab, was doing enzyme activity experiment

ok, that's about it.
I MUST BE VERY SERIOUS IN STUDIES!!! i told myself to be a nerd during pre-U year 4months back then.
my face getting rounder and rounder =(

2009-06-04T23:12:00.003+08:00

"can you please stop whatever that you are doing every morning?"

*scratch my head...*

"huh?"

"can you stop sneezing? i need to sleep!"

=.=

so you think i will give in to you every time and i'm such a good target to be bullied?!
wait till i explode someday
and you will know

hello! what time is your class and what time is mine. it's freaking cold with the air con on and i have to wash up using cold water every morning and you don't even let me off the damn air con for awhile. i hate morning mostly because of you. not because the class starts at 8am. i try not to allow myself to let the alarm to ring for more than 30seconds every single day, i can't turn off the air con even for a minute- at least after i've wash up, i can't skype with my friends too often because most of the time very high possibility of me complaining about you, you love to listen to the same 5 songs over and over again-till i can somehow memorise your indon songs, you stuck to the laptop screen msn-ing, facebook-ing till late at night sometimes, you sleep early when i need to do some studying, you sleep late when i want to sleep early, you are messy and kind of dirty, you are rude and weird!

and you know what, she actually brings her keys into the bathroom whenever she needs to use the bathroom. she puts her keys by the side of her pillow when she sleeps. what the hell! what do you think you are doing?! you think i will use your keys to open your drawers and take your stuff?! you don't even know me. it's very irritating to be your room mate. muddle-headed me always go out, forget about bringing the keys. i always leave my keys on the table.. you have plenty of chance to take my things then. my psp, money...

you have plenty of time to sleep everyday, so what so big deal about me sneezing in the morning? most people do... you too. just that i won't be awaken so easily even though i hear you sneezing. i'm too tired to bother about that. since you are THAT tired, by right you will fall asleep soon after i stop sneezing. come on, it's only like 2minutes.

what's the point of staying together with no normal conversation?! i think the longest time we ever chat was only about 20 minutes. i can't be bombarding so many questions to you and waiting for you to answer me only and you do not make any effort to find some common topics to be talked about.

next semester i will try to move to another room. single occupancy this time as i prefer more privacy and no lousy room mate. many of my friends get along with their room mates so well, except me! they became friends!
-----yelia yelin is nothing in my friends list.

2009-06-03T14:48:00.003+08:00

1st of june...
classmate Lim Qian's 19th brithday

the guys doing 'lala' pose with birthday girl

girls...

*some of my classmates are not in the pictures as they were not there that night

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
lOOk!!!!!

OMG i found this at the bookfair in college. i bought it straight away the moment i saw it. it was cheap compared to what i saw in bookstore last time. usually these type of books cost about 50bucks and above for colour version.

Rome, wait for me for another 7 years and i'll come!

hehe

math class postponed again.. made me walked all the way to class and then found out there was no class this afternoon >.>

2009-05-31T15:13:00.003+08:00

~life plan~

18- college doing SAM in Inti, (ulu) Nilai.

19- Monash University for double degree in biotech and biomed, (preferably) NUS/ NTU

23- graduate & find a job in multi-national research company in Singapore, save money

meantime--------

work hard, save hard, spend hard??

25- continue master or further studies by getting a degree in medicine (MBBS)

say no to blurry vision!-lasik surgery before 25

a trip to Rome before 25!! *A MUST!

own a car (white toyota harrier) before 30

hopefully, get a certificate in designing before 30

uhh, find a pilot husband before 30, wedding planner- myself, honeymoon 1 month in europe

buy a house before 32 (condo), interior design by my own, a graffiti wall to myself, with a walk-in wardrobe, a doggy as pet

32- first child, a girl- cheyanne/emily

34-second child, a boy- isaac

they must wear gap kids, guess kids, nike... not KiKiLaLa

english educated but must not become a banana. must learn dialects and chinese

35-if i choose to study medicine after my first double degree in biotech n biomed, specialise in cardiology (well, medicine will be my third degree); if not, get a pHD in research science

36- move to bigger house

37- trip to Rome for the second time and other countries...

before 40, be a cardiologist / lecturer in prestigious university

when i'm 40, (that's very old), i would be...

-contribute to art industry. how? i don't know yet

-discover a cure for incurable diseases

-own a dance studio

-buy one designer bag per month

-high tea with tai-tais often

-travel, eat, shop

- drink more Anlene milk

-travel almost half of the world

-retire, do more charity works

60-70

- babysit grandchildren for part time only
- honeymoon with my pilot husband for full time

- listen to the newest songs possible, be a hip and modern granny (i hope that day

doesn't come so soon!)

still drink more and more Anlene milk , do tai-chi in the mornings...

never ever glue myself to the tv watching all the dramas on astro!

wait for time to pass while enjoy every single moment i live and leave with no regrets. *must go to heaven before my husband.

2009-05-30T18:03:00.004+08:00

i never thought of what i am going to do for the next uhh.. like 70 years of the rest of my life till that day where my psychology lecturer asked us to write down our own life plan on a piece of paper. i never thought of when i want to get married or when i want to have a child. i have no plans for myself. for now, i'm doing SAM in Inti. after that? i don't know. again, parting begins... seriously, everytime i go to singapore i feel the urge of studying there. i would be thinking: how good if i'm studying there with so many of my best friends around... how good if i have julia as my room mate, as what we planned last year before i decided to be stucked here in malaysia.

evrything here is fine, it's just that.. i still don't have the sense of belonging in nilai Yet. everything has been great so far, friends, lecturers, environment... they are good. just when it comes to certain things, i think i feel kind of empty on the inside. the little bad part of my life makes me such a sulky person. i don't like staying in the same room with someone for about 3 months but we are like total strangers to each other, STILL. i wonder how other people could be in such a good term with their room mate. it's not really my problem but most of the time i want to talk to her she would be on the phone speaking in indon, very loud.. then suddenly out of nowhere she started to cry... the first time i heard her crying was when she was in the bathroom taking a bath. it freaked me out as i thought i heard something i was not supposed to hear - in the afternoon! she sobbed like what you would hear in those ghost movies. so yeah, you may imagine.

secondly, she kept listening to the same 5 songs over and over again which makes me being able to memorise those indon songs she listens to. well, they are all in malay. >.> and, and! whenever i'm listen to my songs, which is soft enough that only i myself can hear, she would tune the volume of her music player up.. eventually i cant hear anything from my own music player at all. she forces me to tune up the volume a little bit so that i could hear. that is a little bit sad. all my room mate does is sleep, msn, facebook, sleep, sleep and more SLEEP! i see her sleeping almost every time i go back to my room. be it 1oam, 1pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, 10pm... yes, she is THAT free and she can sleep as long as she wants. there was once she slept at 9pm and made me moved my chair to another side which is in front of the bathroom to study. i am going broke so i cant afford to buy a table lamp yet.

i dislike mornings. i hate to drag myself out of bed and seeing another person sleeping like a log. tell you what, there was once i was not fast enough to off my alarm. the next thing i heard was the annoying sound she made, indicating to me how annoyed she felt towards my alarm. Sorry larrr. nowadays i became so sensitive towards the sound of alarm and i got so panicked reaching for my phone every single morning. she has tons of fashion magazines on the floor and very little text books, all her stuff are branded goods -nike, roxy, adidas, billabong... typical Indonesian chinese people, freaking rich.

another thing, i don't like being friends with someone that is so rude and loud. i have never met a girl like her who would take picture showing her middle finger to everyone and also making it as her profile picture for msn, facebook, friendster... oh gawd... i made the wrong friend!!!

pictures of some events...
cousin's wedding on 9th Maymy first presentation. well, i got quite a high score XDon street party night

in the chemistry lab with lab partner, raahini

me, cindy =( , alvin

that's all for now.

2009-05-07T14:53:00.008+08:00

i'm back to revive my dead blog. =)
i'm lazy and not good with words so i'll let pictures tell the story.

i'm getting fatter. *evidence: mcD at 12.40am*

and non stop gossiping until 1am! class was 8am on the next day!

we were not doing homework.

that was what we bought when we went to the one and only pathetic hypermarket- Giant.

me and julia in the mrt train. aww.. i miss her so much.

me and gigantic the heels/horse in front of plaza Singapura

uzumaki!!!

girls outing at mid valley after psychology test. one day before i went back jb for my sem break

we never forget to camwhore in the toilet.lol

written by me, from us, to my fren who turned 18 on the 21st of April.

burger at 2am! gossiped till 4am. slept till 2pm..

tsk tskk.. inti kids.

a super huge handphone. like the old days

plant cell. cool huh?

hair cut

that guy who stood close to us in the ktm stinked!

thinking of you...

in inti's bus.

2009-04-23T18:40:00.003+08:00

i never felt something so wrong before. i totally hate mathematics. it's indeed worse than add maths! i never liked maths before but this was like omg... i only know how to do question for question 3a and 3b.... which sum up to.... 5marks. i paid 330 for the calculator and i don't know how to use it! it's so troublesome why can't they invent something as easy to use as hand phones or laptops?! i'm so dead... i heard from my friend that if one do not achieve average 65 marks for this semester, the scholarship award will be prohibited!! oh no! T.T
no point stressing out actually cos' i really don't know how to do maths. it's so complicated, especially my new best friend which costs 330 bucks. i wonder how will i survive if i go for jc or stpm or A level. my lecturers say SAM is the second easiest pre-U studies in the world! i wonder if it was right for me to come for intensive class. i have 6-8 hours of classes everyday compare to others which is like 2hours the least and 6 hours the most! =(
tomorrow will be the most relaxing day. i have test from 8am to 9am only... then, aha! girls day out at mid valley. going home on saturday. there are so much to do and so little time till i go back inti for my 2nd semester.

2009-04-12T17:01:00.002+08:00

you see how time just flies? i've been here in nilai for 3weeks! two more weeks and i'll have my first semester exam then yes, my first semester ends. sometimes i wished that my course is not an intensive one. i made good friends here,within one week, but because of the course we take, i guess we can only hang around together for 8 months. after that, i don't know.. parting begins, each will head to different places to continue their studies. just like old times.

i've never thought that i could make friends this fast. perhaps the main reason is because i'm alone in a foreign place, it urges me to make friends quicker. i felt so homesick before i came here. that's crazy i know. now? i'm quite happy with what i have here. good friends, good environment... the only thing i don't really like is that the air con in my room is freaking cold. you won't believe that it's always on 30 degree Celsius but it's still very cold!(for me) i'm not kidding. and i still don't like to have someone who shares a room with me. not that my roommate is not good. it's just, i need privacy where i can skype with my friends out there whenever i like and listen to the songs i like at any volume while singing them out loud. one more thing, i can on and off the lights and air con at anytime and under any condition i want. with a roommate, there is always a limit. besides, there's hair everywhere in the room, be it in the bathroom... one person dropping hair is bad enough, imagine you have another one dropping hair as much as you do in the room. my roommate likes to throw all the stuff on the floor, books, bags, junks, files... arghh..ok, enough of complaining about having a roommate.

this is actually my first weekend in nilai. i have nowhere to go unlike the first weekend i went back home and got a laptop. last week i went kl... well, yesterday i went kl again actually. the guy friend who can drive drove us there. we watched fast and furious 4. not bad though although i would appreciate a lot if they are willing to watch confession of a shopaholic with me. haha... my freind was being a shopaholic yesterday. i only bought a pair of shoes which costs 20bucks. guess how much i spent at the end of the day?? around 70bucks even though i only bought a pair of shoes. i eat a lot these days. so you know, there is where my money goes. i feel my heart aching every time i see another piece of RM 50 note goes to another person's hand.
i can't imagine my life here without friends. i'm glad i met a few good ones
we gossip, we laugh, we camwhore...
don't think it's just my third week here and nothing much happened. a lot, actually. dramas, conflicts, back stabbing,love triangle!............ don't get me wrong. they don't really involve me. it's my friend. hmmm... oh ya! last friday i saw a cute angmoh guy before chemistry class starts. we were outside the corridor people watching then. haha. someone would be so excited after reading this! lol.. you know who you are. XD

i found this review from Kenny Sia. i didn't know he did a review on INTI's graduation ceremony last year.
he took really nice pictures. i was like 'wow! this is how my campus looks like???!' maybe you should check it out @
http://www.kennysia.com/archives/2008/03/adv-inti-univer.php
btw, i stay in Confucius. and the room he stayed it's actually the priciest (Shakespeare hall of residence) no wonder it looks like a hotel room. you pay for the price if you want. but what for?? i only go back to my room after 11.30pm usually. then sleep and wake up at 7am. then head to class...

that's all for now. gotta go to my friend's room to do some gossiping before we go for dinner. =) tata!

2009-03-30T20:40:00.004+08:00

the most embarrassing moment so far in my lifetime.

this week we have to start using new timetable. so i didn't know my time table is differ from my friends. so i happily sat in the english class listening to lecturer for 45 minutes without knowing i actually supposed to go to other class starting from this week. it was so embarrassing! so i had no choice but leave the class halfway cause if i don't the lecturer from the other class will mark me as absent. then the lecturer from this class actually told the whole class that i came to the wrong class. i felt like digging a big hole so that i could hide inside. my friend told me later that people were saying "what??! she came into the wrong class for so long and she didn't know?'' OMG!!!!! they actually said that??! then i went to the class that i was supposed to go. the moment i went in the lecturer was like " super VIP huh?" sigh... in the end i walked to her and told her that i went in the wrong class before that. she was like "oh"...

i feel that i'm getting dumber and dumber! ish...

took this during psychology class

2009-03-28T13:55:00.011+08:00

friday, 27th march 2009

it's the worst day so far in year 2009. it's the day i feel that i'm stupidest person in the entire world. i felt so sad and so helpless. it started off like this, i was so eager, so deperate to go back home. i felt so sad when i heard so many people are going back home this weekend. i was deciding if i should go to kl to my uncle's place or go back home. in the end i decided to go back home as i have tons of unfinished business to do. besides, i really need to bring a blanket to hostel as it's freaking cold in the morning. there was once i turned off the air conditioned and that actually awaken my room mate. so yeah, i almost turn into a block of ice every morning. i seriously don't like friday's timetable. i hate it when i have 4hours of break before chemistry class starts at 4pm. well, yesterday class finished a lil early so i thought that was a good chance to go back home with the rest. i don't know how to take bus and ktm. guess what happened in the end? i took ktm and arrived safely at seremban ktm station. i didnt know seremban bus station is actually not located nearby the ktm station. i always thought it's near. who knows i actually have to walk across a few streets to reach the darn bus station. what do you feel when you are alone in a place that you've never been before? yes, anxiety, insecure, fear.... that's not the worst part of the story. it was a relieve that i reached seremban bus station. then, the whole nightmare begins.

there are about 10 different bus companys and none of it actually have a bus to go back to johor at 7pm/8pm. the only one available was at 10.30pm. how can i possibly wait from 7pm until 10.30pm at a place that i'm not familiar with??! i felt like crying when i knew that was no way i could go home yesterday night. i was supposed to back on saturday early morning.my dad asked me to come home on saturday but i insisted on going back on friday night. the outcome of being too impatient and desperate to go home? no bus on the time you wanted. so i travelled all the way from college to seremban just to get a stupid 8.30am bus ticket on saturday(today). at that moment i felt like an idiot and a total loser. i've never felt so stupid before. what made the whole thing worse is that i took the wrong and unsafe way to go back to seremban ktm station. it was an undertunnel, a short cut i guess to reach the ktm station. there was no one!!! i was walking alone. and there were two guys walking behind me then. i was so afraid and i couldn't help of thinking what will happen to me and if i'll appear on the headline of the major newspapers tomorrow morning. touchwood but it was really scary. basically i was running and walking so that i reach a place with more people. the sky was getting darker and i didnt realise that it was already 7.50pm. at 5.30 i was happily telling my room mate that i will go home and at 8.30pm i got back to hostel with a sulky look. i wanted to cry but i don't know why i have no tears. i left RM 1.90 in my wallet at the end of the day.

what a day!

saturday (today)

i became very absent minded lately. it's either i forget about my towel when i already went into the bathroom or i forget where i placed my things. today, i forgot to bring some coins and small notes. i realised that i only placed 50bucks into my wallet yesterday night when i reached the bus stop. whatmore i missed the earlier bus. in the end i decided to take a cab to nilai ktm station as i don't have any small change. the fare was 10 bucks!! it was 10times more expensive than taking a bus. it only costs 1 buck to take bus from inti to ktm station. i had no chioce but to pay that bloodsucking teksi driver.

to go back to jb from inti,nilai..

you have to...

1. hop on a bus to nilai ktm station

2.take ktm to seremban
3.walk to seremban terminal 1 bus station (10minutes walk)
4.take bus express back to jb (make sure that you buy bus the ticket earlier)

ugly ktm station.. so (louya)me in the ktm train. the train is super shaky when it acceleratesmy ktm and bus ticketthe bus i tookme in the bus

*********************************************************************

college life...

student centre. it connects to the overhead bridge to the academic blockhostel blocks. i stay in block C (confucius). it takes me about 10 minutes to walk to class.my study tablemy bed and piggy

i don't like monday. it's the day i have class from 8am to 6pm and only 2hours of break in between. this is what it meant by intensive programme. i was suffering so much without having a laptop and no access to the library for the first few days. don't think the living expenses of staying at nilai is low. the food is still reasonably priced at the cafeteria of the campus (except sidewalk cafe- the food is not really nice and more expensive). outside, you will have to pay for mee hoon kuih(pan mee) at RM4- with a small portion. and their barley costs RM1.20. i could get a big bowl of mee hoon kuih at jb for only 3.50 and 1 buck for a cup of barley.

for one moment 7days ago, i was rich

7days later... i become so poor.

one freaking photocopy book costs me 20bucks. sorry i can't support original here. it range from RM70 to RM130 for new books.
this graphic calculator costs RM 330!!

i love college life at night. this is when me and my friends talk,study or crack stupid jokes until midnight.me and cindy. she's from klangcheng fai and jong shin. cheng fai has a car >.<joanne from kedah. i don't know who used my phone to take this picture.ok, two 'sampat' people.at the funfair.. can't imagine huh. nilai has funfair. more of malay people by the way.. =.= ignore cheng fai the poser. he wears cap everyday as he just came back from NS. no hair

3 out of 4 of us have the surname 'huang' in chinese.ignore that poser!!

me!

2009-03-26T16:28:00.002+08:00

guess how i get to blog now? college computer lab. i see others are doing their assignments or important stuff but me and my friends are here in the lab blogging,friendster-ing, facebook-ing, msn-ing... too bad i can't upload any pictures yet. i don't really like my room. i don't want so much of air con. it's freaking cold in the morning...i want to sleep alone. not that my roommate is not good but i prefer sleeping alone like i've been for all this while. i have class at 8am evry morning whereas my roommate sometimes goes to school at 2pm! i hate waking her up in the morning but tell me how not to make any noise when i need to prepare to go for class.

i miss my tv back at home. although it's not large LCD screen but that is how i spent my time rotted at home. i can't believe that i actually have to miss prison break, ugly betty and all my dramas for 8 whole months.i've 3 closer friends now. we study and do homework together. every morning we walk to school together. this week of college is actually very free. lab session has not started.

i'm still adjusting to college life and also with the presence of guys. i can't talk to them so comfortably like how my the other friend does. she seems to know alot about them where i'm still on the way knowing and talking a little more to the guys. it seems very weird for me to hang around with guys. like u know.. hang out at the cafeteria until 12 midnight, laughing and joke around... and also having someone who walks you back to the hostel block.

my friends in jb, i miss you all.
you know who you are.

pictures will come soon =)

2009-03-22T22:57:00.002+08:00

bye bye rotting days....

i'm actually blogging at hostel now using my roommate's laptop. apparently she's a nice person. she said i could use her laptop if i want to as i'm here for the first month without laptop. i can't post any pictures now but i would like to say that inti nilai is actually not located at a very ulu place. there are distractions still. well i guess i have to go now. feel bad for using my roommate's laptop for too long and i have to sleep early in case i can't get up early tomorrow.

i miss every one in jb. my friends and family. i can't wait for april to come! <3

2009-03-19T22:54:00.002+08:00

u know why i seldom blog here? i don't know what i really want to write when i sign in my blogger account. whereas when i'm off, mostly when i can't sleep i'll start writing my blog post in my mind. i would tell myself to blog it out the next morning when i'm online, which i never did. so yeah as usual i had something on in my mind yesterday night. a long post i guess but i can't really remember how to type out everything now. some people couldn't sleep when the result day is near.. me? i couldn't sleep well because i'm leaving soon. well, i'm not leaving malaysia and fly to another country to further my studies but at INTI NILAI. this makes me to have nervous breakdown and emotional unstable. i don't know why either. i cry so often nowadays and i haven't even leave home. i haven't even pack my stuff. i know it was my choice and i chose to study there but but... i guess you guys won't understand as i don't even understand the whole damn thing myself. i feel so weak i don't act like i'm 18! it's not like this is my first time leaving home to study at a different place. i experienced it when i was just primary4. i came to stay at my aunt's house which i'm not very close to for about 3 months while waiting for my parents to settle the stuff at kl and shift to jb. maybe i was still very young i didn't think much about future and what was coming into my life later on. actually the point is i don't know why i feel like this when i'm still at home blogging. i get the homesick feeling even though i'm still at home in my own room! silly me to cry and worry about so many things. i know if i don't bear to leave home i should stay here. i wanted change, i longed for it for so long and yet now i'm not mentally prepared for everything. i was so eager to go college and study soon when i was at home doing nothing most of the time. two weeks ago i was still thinking of which college to go and what i should bring along and stuff like that... today, i just want time to stop flying away and let me enjoy my days at home more. counting down... 2days and i'm off to boredom land. i don't know how often i can blog here when college starts. it's very inconvenience for me to blog and especially to post any pics here as i don't have a laptop to bring to college yet. i have a laptop at home but it functions as a home computer as well. so i guess i could only use the computers in the college or maybe online using my psp. hopefully i meet a good roommate where we could become good friends. i've never shared a room with strangers before.. i shan't worry too much. my parents know how to take care of themselves better than me. this is the time i should be more independent!

why don't you change your perspective and look things on the brighter side? yeah right. you cant solve the problem with the same thinking that created the problem.

2009-03-18T00:49:00.003+08:00

to all the jpa scholarship applicants,below are the % of JPA Scholarships applicants who manage to get JPA Interview.
Actuarial Science - 66.4%
Medical - 57.7%
Economics - 53.5%
Biotech - 52.9%
Engineering - 50.7%
Pharmacy - 50.4%
Dentistry - 48.8%
Veterinary - 46.8%
Science - 46.7%
Quantity Surveyor - 46.1%
Architecture - 38.5%
Accountancy - 35.3%
Law - 29.8%
IT - 26.2%
City Planning - 24.6%
Agriculture - 23.6%
Humanities - 23.2%
Business Administration - 19.9%

the % of those who get the JPA Overseas Scholarships among those who attended the interview...
Agriculture - 56.0%
Economics - 41.4%
Humanities - 41.3%
Architecture - 39.0%
Quantity Surveyor - 38.3%
Science - 36.5%
Dentistry - 31.3%
City Planning - 31.3%
Engineering - 30.0%
IT - 29.9%
Medical - 28.8%
Law - 28.5%
Business Administrations - 21.6%
Veterinary - 21.5%
Biotech - 20.7%
Actuarial Science - 19.6%
Accountancy - 18.4%
Pharmacy - 16.3%

the chance of someone who apply for a field of study and end up getting JPA Overseas Scholarships...
Economics - 22.1%
Quantity Surveyor - 17.6%
Science - 17.0%
Medical - 16.6%
Dentist - 15.3%
Engineering - 15.2%
Architecture - 15.0%
Agriculture - 13.2%
Actuarial Science - 13.0%
Biotech - 10.9%
Veterinary - 10.1%
Humanities - 9.6%
Law - 8.5%
Pharmacy - 8.2%
IT - 7.8%
City Planning - 7.7%
Accountancy - 6.5%
Business Administration - 4.9%

more info, JobStreet.com Scholarships Listing and http://www.recom.org/

2009-03-11T23:29:00.003+08:00

still stuck at page 90, Lisey's Story by Stephen King...

more than 3months of rotting... what did i do and where do i find myself now?? i ask myself. for this three months, other than attending driving lessons and passing my test last week, i did nothing that i can truly make myself proud at all. i think i cant even solve simple maths question.

i feel stupid and very insecure. no matter what i have to face the reality and the sun is still going to rise tomorrow morning and be it the day i receive my death sentence. i was hoping for tomorrow to come soon.. well, it was like 2months ago when i saw some of my friends heading to their ideal college. now, i yearn for more and more holidays, more rotting days... i really don't know what to do next after i receive my result slip.

i wonder, "will teacher congratulate me like two years ago when i received my pmr result slip??"
"what if i don't hear that word??"
"will disappointment rushes through my veins?"

i'm freaking nervous and worried. i know nothing can be done at this stage. all i can do is accept what i will see tomorrow. frankly i don't want to feel the way i feel now, when i'm nervous, gravity just somehow pushes my waste products lower. you get what i mean... i don't know if i'll be having serious diarrhea tomorrow(fann reminded me this).

how i wish i can tell myself that i did my best i have nothing to be worried about and tomorrow i'll just have to walk into the school compound like i was still a convent girl. there are many "IFs"
if i study harder...
if i prepare earlier...
if i complete all the revision books...
if i don't procrastinate...
if i learn how not to copy add maths homework...
if i concentrate in class...
if i don't sleep when teacher is teaching
if ....
there are way to many of the IFs

guilt overwhelm me when i look at my bookshelf. there are so many books that i have not written a single thing on them. i should say too late for regrets... when i was sitting for the exam i told myself to do myself for every single paper. i'm sooooo unsure of myself now.

i don't like the idea of giving out the result on a school day. why? of all days why must they choose tomorrow??!

i don't know how to give myself an explanation if i don't do well. maybe i am too paranoid. i always am. but i can't help thinking of the worst. i am depending of scholarship to study in college. if my result is too bad(touchwood) i can't go coz i can't be spending too much of my parents' money on my pre-u studies. and i'll really really regret for not accepting two scholarship offers before this, if that happens.

today, my uncle and auntie already called my dad asking how is my result. they thought i'm getting my result today. see how anxious they are to find out how i did for my spm, how 'kan cheong' they are??? i don't want them to compare me with my cousins. i don't have smarter siblings to give me the pressure but i have 2 very intelligent cousins from dad's side. i don't want to disappoint my family either. especially my grandma. dad told me it's ok to get one or two B... but i'm not okay about it.
i'm afraid of knowing and seeing people shouting or having the tears of joy at school tomorrow just because they score straight A's.
i am afraid of exploring new things now
i am afraid of the dark!

what more i am afraid of humans now. everyone is wearing a masque, i know.. but true friends will never turn you down, isn't it?

i truly hope for the best tomorrow. for me, for everyone who is going through the same thing as me.

something to remind myself here, "nothing can be changed no matter how much of worries and nervousness"

2009-02-28T22:19:00.003+08:00

'March symbolizes a new beginning, a new month, and a new cycle to the four seasons.' this is what julia wrote in her blog.
so yeah, to symbolises the coming of the brand new month, i want to make my new month resolution here. i really need to do something beneficial or at least something more useful before my rotting days are over.

1. sleep before 1am everyday. (a must!)
2. complete my sketch book
3. read all the books or ebooks that i have not read
4. DIY some stuff
5. start planning which college to go
6. wash my old school bag and keep it somewhere
7. wash my pencil case which laid untouched since don't know when
8. exercise
9. dance
10. wash the soft toys on my bed
11. improve my vocabulary
12. put all the photos in the photo album
13. tidy up my wardrobe
14. head to the salon to trim my hair and dye it
15. alter my sitting posture (it's terribly bad,believe me)

that's all for now.

2009-02-19T23:33:00.008+08:00

ok, regarding the previous post, i feel that i would just go to the point and say the real thing that happened to me that day instead of just hinting. that sicko won't see it anyway. so yeah... who knows 10years later i might want to read this post about the ridiculous+scary+horrible ride home. it was not something that i proud of. seriously, not my proudest or happiest moment. it was the scariest experience.

i'm sure many of you happen to be the sardine packed in a car where you or your friend would sit on your lap and the car is bouncing all the way and you wonder when you will reach the destination AND.... you legs definately feel so so numb after that. not something new to us. or me. i can still recall the sweet ride home in kim's granpa's car after tuition. aha, two crazy girls sitting at the front sit camwhoring. >.> people in the car around must be wondering what in the world these two girls were doing at the front sit and taking crazy pictures. we made a scene and they were looking.

okay i wander off again. i don't know why but i have the habit of crapping something else instead of going straight to the point and say what i want to say. i do this a lot. i don't know how many paragraphs in my essays were nonsense in my spm exam paper. argh i'll just forget that. i have very little time left to rot at home and i must treasure every day and live like it's going to be my last.

oh well, i should really talk about that incident this time. coz you know what, people might not want to read this post anymore if i crap too much and type too many words.

okay, i'm a little bit too embarrassed to talk about it now but since i've already type half way through, i'll just go on and REVEAL the sexual harassment i faced when i turned 18years, 1week, 15hours 50minutes and 30seconds old.
i met this sicko instructor who wants to talk about S*X with me!
OMG
i didn't know how to react when he actually said that word out.
okay. let me tell you what happened from the start to the end...

it was my qti day. pre driving test day. and the one who tested me is the chief instructor of that driving school (that sicko). so okay, i drove like normal. seriously i improved. i realised that girls actually can't drive that well.haha. so you can't expect me to drive too well because i just don't like to drive. then he started asking which taman i stay whether i'm a student, about my ambition and blah blah blah. okay, seemed normal. then, we found out that we live in the same taman and his jalan is just behind mine. what an stupid coincident. i wished i lied about where i stay. he said we could be friends and stuff. i just nod my head and said nothing. he said he could tell that i'm a very open minded person from my look. uh, excuse me, people usually say i look innocent. XD

he kept asking me if i'm an open minded and friendly person. i said yeah coz i'm friendly and if he wants to be my one of normal friends then it's ok to me. i ignored the open minded part. that sicko also asked me if i have boyfriend and he kept saying that he's a bachelor, lives alone, very lonely, no girlfriend, drives a yellow BMW. i thought i met a crazy and kind instructor at first coz he said he knows the jpj people. if i can't pass then he can help me. so i got his phone number and he got mine in case i don't do well on my jpj test day, i can call him (touch wood). during test, in the car, everything was okay until... he said he'll give me a ride home and i was okay about it. the driver who supposed to fetch me is always late and make me wait so long every time. there was once he let me waited for more than an hour until i fall asleep on the sofa. i wonder how many times he horned to wake me up but who cares.

the scary part begins when i sat that sicko's kancil home. he started boasting saying he's a bachelor, owns a BMW, likes BMW very much, all the people at the shops near my house know him, he has a good chinese neighbour... not that i care to know. but since he told me i just lent my ears and listened. then he said he never met such a cute chinese before. ----me. =.=
you must be rolling your eyes now. yeah i so wanna vomit when i heard that. he made me have goosebumps all around me.

'are you really friendly and open minded?'

(he tried to ask me this twice. but the first time was interrupted by a phone call of his. thank god! it bought some time and reaching my house soon)

'considered so. i'm friendly.'

'open minded?'

'ok larh. i can be friends with different races of people. (it's a kind of open minded thinking too.)'

'no i mean... do you talk about s*x with guys? through internet.............................and have you *****************censored****************?'

'...... (i didn't know what to say)......... i'm from girls school. i'm quite traditional about this.'

(then i changed the subject asking him more about the jpj test)

then he started AGAIN....

'i had a chinese girlfriend before. sad to say but she died of accident in kl.'

'oh..'

'never mind i'm very open minded. we can be friends. i can be your boyfriend and you be my girlfriend.'

(startled, nothing to say...)

'i'm a bachelor. living alone. i always go to the mamak shop nearby. u never see my car parked there before? the yellow BMW... sometimes i drive, sometimes i walk there. the people there know me well. sometimes i sing karaoke at home. you wanna come and join me?'

'sorry but i don't sing'

'we can be friends. i'm very open minded. we can talk. message me at night k? or i'll message you. then i'll know if you're a sincere person.'

'huh? ahhh! my house's here!! thanks.'

(hurriedly got down from the car and shut the door hard)

i'm not making this up. this is real. real scary experience. just when i thought i met a more classy malay who speaks english to me, i never thought one can be so LC! he's not young and not handsome and he's kind of big sized. no wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend coz girls can't even stand to talk to him more than a second. one thing is that i can't offend him either. i've yet to sit for my jpj test and any bad word from him to the examiner would fail my driving test. you know malaysia. so i told myself and still telling myself that i won't see that sicko anymore after i pass my driving. so, i must practice more and drive well on that day. otherwise i have to see that sicko's face and hear his disgusting voice again. good thing he didn't lay his finger on my hair. if not i'll be in the court now suing him! i wished i recorded down everything he said. it can be quite useful when i need to report to the police.

think jb is safe and near home? think driving school is safe? think twice.
i bet kl has more scandals like this, no doubt.

so girls, be careful and take care

2009-02-17T22:37:00.002+08:00

i'm doomed.

i was too stupid.

now i smell trouble.

if you dare to come to me, i'll call 999

good coz you don't know i have a blog and you won't see this

you are soooooo disgusting

argghhh

girls out there, must becareful all the time and protect yourself.

2009-02-10T23:36:00.006+08:00

great friends make my day

in about 20 minutes time i'm officially 18years and 1day old. that's fast. i didnt't notice how time could just fly when it was just like yesterday i was hoping the clock would tick faster so that it'll be the 10th day of february. how much i awaited and wanted to reveal the mystery of the present that i would receive from my beloved friends. i don't know why but turning 18 seems to be a big deal to me. (i bought 'happy 18th birthday' balloons even if i'm not having a birthday party.haha. go ahead and call me silly.) i had a great start of the day even though the ending wasn't like what i expected, i'm still very happy coz this is like the most special to me so far. =)

so, overall, i'm contented with what i get.

as this year....
is the year where i actually get a birthday present!

a psp!!! hehe. black and silver are the colours available in stores now. i have no choice so i chose the black one. so i got a pink coloured pouch to balance coolness.
then,

these are from my lovely friends...
18 J Co's donuts signify my 18th birthday. i'll die fat. XD

pressie!
something to show off to my room mate next time! haha

a hand made card from mokee..the front

inside..the back

peh yee, happy birthday i say to myself again. =)

2009-02-09T23:33:00.002+08:00

i don't wanna grow up.....

daddy says: 'i wish you stay at 5 years old forever'
=)

2009-01-23T23:56:00.004+08:00

i kick start my day by helping mum to buy roasted pork at the market. what a way to kick start my day.=.=
it has been a very long time since i went to market to do anything. well, being a good daughter, i have to help my mum to buy or choose the 'stuff' that i was told to buy like an auntie. what surprised me the most are the pigs' heads. you guess where i saw them? on the floor beside the way that buyers are supposed to walk. and they were not roasted pigs' heads. they were still RAW! all pink in colour. it was kind of gross to see that. yucks.

my little piggy at home is looking sooooo soooo much cuter than that. yeah, needless to say.

i passed by convent this afternoon. i had a sudden feeling to live my secondary school life all over again although there's nothing to be missed being in my class that was kind of lifeless and dead.. looking past my school of 5years, i realised i'm not small little girl anymore. okay turning 18 and going to be a young adult, still a teenager.
when was the last time i had a good night sleep?

again, when was the last time i slept before midnight?

2009-01-13T22:36:00.008+08:00

here goes the birthday girl, calista!

happy birthday. you are 18! no more reading little miss series yeah. you are too old for it. lol

so the 'da jie' among us, hope you enjoyed what we did for you-the star. don't you feel like a celebrity? haha

i have lots of words to say to you but i don't think one post is enough for me to type out everything i feel for my bff. as long as you know it in your heart. =)

you know, creating this birthday blog thingy is the first major project for me in year 2009!

in fact your present is also a major project for me.

i started the blog on sunday night and managed to finished it on time though. it was mei ping's great idea about starting a birthday blog as part of your present.but, can i thank myself here? sorry being thick skinned but i'm the one finding a suitable blog skin for about 2hours then edited it, browsed for song, created tagboard, and did the special birthday picture for you,calista! not forgetting doing the picture for the puzzle and collected it another day.

haha.. a big round of applause for me. lol

okay, the lime light is on you, cal today. i'm not the main character of the day. thanks for the lunch. it was great to meet up and just talk and talk.

there we had fun dolling fann up don't we? lol..

fann, i'm sorry but i really need to blog this coz my blog is very dead. i need visitors. my blog needs some hits! haha... save up your stares. i'll still blog your pictures here.she and her 'lala-ness' XD

this is so darn cute!

2009-01-08T23:58:00.005+08:00

i usually don't have the urge to blog after every outing i had with my friends but today seems to be a little bit different. i guess i should reconsider my ambition. i realised i love flying. of course i do. some of you might have heard that i actually have a pair of invisible wings that you all can't see except myself. XD
it does not work for emergency usage though. example, when i'm very tired after a long walk and i need something to fly me there.save time and energy. well, it's just... my imagination. i imagine alot. especially when i was younger.

arrived at singapore poly, we had the chance to do some aviation on the ground.so much like a real experience. i keep thinking about it the minute i got home. not because the guy who directed me was cute or exceptionally handsome but it was really fun to do it again. good thing i tried and i have no regrets now. it's like one in a life time experience.
and oh, that guy said i have good skill. hmmm... maybe i do have some quality in being a female pilot. but not so a good car driver though. driving is hard. =(
frankly i don't know what course was that that related to aviation. i guess it's either aerospace electronics or aeronautical engineering. these courses are not what i'm interested in though except flying the model aircraft part. i'm proud to say this cause i'm the first female who tried that! gyabo! lol

i have the thought of joining Malaysia flying academy after watching a inspiring tv show. female actually can be pilot. two of them who appeared on the show changed the perspective i had. i heard from my cousin that being a pilot has to have perfect eyesight and tall. he went for interview before but he wasn't selected due to height problem.aww, so sad. i have non of both qualities so i'll never be qualified. ha ha.

us waiting for the bus. they are so energetic when taking pictures. =.=

gonna tuck in. ciao
see ya sometime around. plz, let me have something nice to blog about.

2009-01-05T14:21:00.045+08:00

it's ready 5th of jan 2009! we've spent 5days of the brand new year. so, what have you been doing for these five days? those who are still schooling probably would be sulking, complaining why did holidays pass in just a blink of an eye. then, some already started living in new environment, have the anticipation of leading college life... me? well, i was away for cousin's wedding and also holiday for a few days. so i shall let pictures do most of the talking later on as you know, i'm lazy to type and i'm suck at spelling now. =(

before welcoming the year 2009, this is how we spent our last day of year 2008 together.
THE ESCAPE TRIP

3 of us (supposed to be four but unfortunately jasmynn couldn't make it last minute) escaped to escape theme park in pasir ris, singapore. well, that day wasn't a very good day as i was still quite sick. i went cause i felt that i shouldn't disappoint my friends but i ended up suffering. the hots and the colds made me even sick.

it was raining. i was feeling cold and tired too.

and the new year comes....
time flies and people grows.. here's a very good example
my little nephew.. XD

he was only this small the last time i saw him! he says: "i'm superman!"

see how big is he now?!

and i'm sorry to say this but it's hard to find first class service here in malaysia. it took my dad almost two hours to check in and the staff made a mistake claiming that we were supposed to check in the day before and the date is wrong and stuff. in the end, we had our lunch at 4plus because of the delay in checking in into the hotel suite.
mahkota hotel

the view from the balcony

the kitchen

the living room and balcony

there are kitchen,living room, two bedrooms and two bathrooms and a balcony in this suite. and there are 11 adults, 2kids staying in this suite as my aunt's family is also here. a little cramped though.

we wasted no time and quickly headed to the nyonya museum where the show little nyonya was filmed. the main purpose of going melaka is for my cousin's wedding. i waited for this to come for so long but i was coughing like mad during the whole trip.

random

the entrance fee is expensive! RM8 for adult and RM5 for children. we didn't go in the end as we felt that paying 8bucks to go in and see what we saw from tv is not worth the money. if we were to go in, the entrance fees would cost about RM 100 for 11 adults and 2kids.

side view of the baba nyonya museum. this is where yue niang and ju xiang live (in the show)

one of those streets where little nyonya was filmed.

my aunt knows the places so well she can even tell me what ju xiang did on which streets(in the show of course).

i like this wall!

this shop looked creepy. full of lanterns and oldpale

we came to this shop that sells nice food and cendol. at jonker street i think.

the shop is full of nyonya-baba aroma.

old lampsmum says last time people used to put eggs in such basket

come to this shop if you want to taste the best chicken rice ball.

the next day...

the big day

the only thing i like is the breakfast in hotel

bad weather. it was raining heavily

in the house...

mum helping aerin jie (cousin's wife) putting on the bracelet.

at the hotel..

look! he's camwhoring..
he's not camera-shy

me and little nyonya(aerin jie) yes, she's a nyonya.

i felt awkward in that dress =(

after the wedding luncheon, it's time to eye on malaysia! eye on melaka to be precise

i told the girl at the ticket counter that i'm still a secondary school student but she so smart she said i'm not anymore. then i lied to her that i study extra one year for peralihan to get a cheaper ticket rate. yeah, the normal cheapskate me. XD

me trying to camwhore. *failed

satay celup. my first time eating and seeing it. jakun me

the next day is about shopping and buying things. i bought nothing though. i was darn tired. i can never sleep well in other places. i need my own bed+teddy+piggy+ my smell. lo

that's it.

cheers.

2008-12-26T14:17:00.004+08:00

christmas

everyone from all around the world celebrate christmas these days. it doesn't matter if you are not a christian and from different religion. christmas is all about the joy of giving and forgiving who can resist the temptation of taking part in such festival that just happen once in every year.

christmas this year is a lil different for me.

last Christmas i gave you my heart

and the very next day

you gave it away

this year to save me from tears

i gave it to someone special

i'm not trying to sound emo here but that was how my christmas last year or the past year were like. don't get me wrong. this year christmas i didn't give my heart to anyone but keep it to myself.the safest place ever i supposed. this christmas is quite fulfilling to me. first of all, i appreciate julia's invitation to the chirstmas eve dinner at grand straits garden. for the first time i've seen julia being so girlish and she really looked great that evening. cheers,julia!

of course we girls cam whore a little in the toilet. that's what girls do best everytime we head to the toilet isn't it? =)

if i were not wrong, i spent my christmas in melaka at my grandma's house last year. but the trip there always earn me some pocket money. lol.last year i was still mending my broken heart. it's so nice that it's healed now and i am happily living my life. so is him... no doubt.
and how did i spend christmas this year? my whole family(well, there are only 3person-me,my dad and my mum) went to the newly opened jusco at bukit indah in the afternoon. we spent half of our day trying to find parking there. it was so crowded. there are nothing much over there. it's just another typical shopping mall. i couldn't find any nice clothes for chinese new year there.

i really don't know what should i rant about next. as i said, this blog is very much abandoned nowadays.my life is dull so i have nothing to say or show the least maturity in my blog posts. an idle living an idle life that's it. an idle with no correct mind. i can't believe i said that in my blog. frankly, i feel stupid as day passes by. each day i feel that i'm losing something. not money, not friends, not my belongings but knowledge. okay, knowledge can be considered as part of my belongings too. you know what? i'm really getting stupid. i don't know how to spell simple words now. so yeah, i'm kind of struggling with abc when typing this post.lol. i was aiming to get in into any jc in singapore before this. stop looking at me now. i'm not going for the entrance test for the JCs anymore simply because i feel so lazy to study their O-level syllabus. how do i pass if i don't study or go for tuition classes. erhem, maybe i don't have the quality to be qualified either. i'm constantly thinking about my future every now and then. i already know what to do but things actually not as easy as i thought. there are a lot more complications behind it. if i were to sit at home being a lazy bum till spm result is out, then i think i would be losing sooooo much of knowledge that i knew. another point for this, i loss knowledge but gain fats. what?! i need to go to school. okay college to be more precise. where to go actually??
oh yah, i had such a scary nightmare on christmas eve day. that is definitely not something that i wished for. no one would want that to happen too. it's just too unexpected and unbelievable so i shall not say anymore word about it in case it really came true. choy!touchwood!
yesterday i dreamt that i was getting hair extension. credit to li ying because i was reading her blog yesterday before i went to bed and i really dreamt that i was going to put on blue and pink hair extension. ^^

pictures of me...

this is my first time cam whore so long after i permed my hair. i didn't like the result in the first place. i had the urge of straightening it to make it back to the old hairstyle. since I've got so many nice comments about my hair so i started to love it now. too bad the gothic look plan is ruined.

2008-12-22T23:41:00.009+08:00

oh yeah

today is my piggy's 2nd birthday!
he's old enough to have a nice and pleasant bath already
so sad that i'm the only one remember today and wish him happy birthday.

i know i'm a lil *ab-normal.

but he's a part of my life now.

i love him because he's so fat and nice to hug.hehe

it's okay that the person is gone

i'm not lonely because i have piggy -one of my property

today's trip to suntec city was cool!!!!!

we had a chance to write our wishes on the big balloon that designated for it. me,cal,jasmynn felt we did something meaningful and extraordinary during this Singapore trip. the coolest part is, i guess they are going to put all the balloons that are filled with words and wishes up in the sky on the 31st December at the marina bay countdown party. whooo hoo. we had a blast sitting on the floor and showing off our creativity on the balloon.

~my wishes~

a special logo featuring us

merry Christmas in advance! i'm totally in the mood now..

2008-12-19T15:41:00.003+08:00

it's ok not to own a PSP
it's ok not to have a vaio laptop
it's ok not to have my own digital camera
it's ok not to have big car, big house
it's ok to fail or fall once in awhile
it's just not ok if i have to give up what i've been aiming for
it's not really ok if i have to give up my childhood dream and pursue something else
will i regret some day?
what will happen if i insist of not giving up?
sometimes i feel that i am being too ambitious

what should i do?! =(

2008-12-15T00:28:00.008+08:00

it's been a long long time since i last blogged. i think i owe my blog an apology. i kind of abandon it. it was last week that i changed my blog skin and now it's not even complete. i just feel so lazy to do anything except for shopping during my holidays. i'm sick of staying at home and finding myself glue to the tv screen or starring at the laptop screen for some anime or drama shows. i'm an lazy bum. everyday is the same old routine. i have yet to do anything meaningful for my precious holidays before i'm heading to the unknowns in world out there.
i have to say this, i'm leading an idle life right now. i do not have any motivation to do anything. i was cleaning up my room the very day after spm is over. i packed all the papers and books, prepared to sell them to the old-newspaper-man. then it's still in my room. lying there on the floor. unmoved. and my story books, they are still in a mess. the worse thing is, i even feel lazy to sleep-it happens all the time. i don't know what is wrong with me. i just don't feel like sleeping even though i'm dead tired. i love to waste time. especially at night. so i ended up sleeping very late at night with nothing much to do actually and force myself to wake up like hmm 10 or 11 am. i don't know what's with me. something is wrong with my system.
well, i guess the only 'achievement' i've got so far is my new hair style. not many of you know this but yes, i permed my hair. don't imagine and don't be too surprised. it looks absolutely normal! somehow i had the urge of perming my hair so i headed to the salon 3 days after spm is over. the only thing that i'm so hardworking in doing is taking care of my curls now... every morning i spent about 20 minutes doing my hair and about 30 minutes after i bathe. i kind of miss my straight hair. it needs less nourishment and time to handle. i had always been very lazy in combing my hair so the only bonus i get from my curly hair now is that i don't have to comb my hair that often.

my hair... before i permed it

i think this is basically what i do everyday: watch tv, listen to the radio, watch anime, online.... and, play my hair. i have three new books that i bought before spm starts in order to keep myself occupied and it's still untouched. i'm so lazy to exercise and i don't know since when i don't care about fats anymore. i told myself to read up some encyclopedia to level up my knowledge but it seems to be a difficult task.

my holiday lists :
perm hair (done)
dance
exercise
watch prison break4,gossip girls2, vampire knight guilty,nodame cantabile...
read books
buy more books
get driving licence
holiday with friends
go singapore shopping
know more things
go for camp
boost my artistic level
get a certificate in design and animation
DIY
sleep over
party
and....
the last on the list is..
camwhore!!!!
hey, it's been a long while since i take any photos of myself yea. i feel so lazy to do it now though. i rather day dream. that is what i'm capable in doing, always. having stuck at home everyday during weekdays is soooooooo boring. sometimes i even thought of calling this number, 03-26873400. why???
that is not my new boyfriend's number. it's the number to call if one wants to volunteer for the national service programme. i know... i'm crazy. volunteer for NS? nah... give me a break. oh... speaking of give-me-a-break. yi th'ng must be enjoying herself in Italy now. how good if i get to go and having italian meal everyday for one whole month!! that's such a blessing. italian food is my all time favourite. too bad, the only italian restaurant here has closed down. yi th'ng gets to go Rome!! omg, that makes me more envious. Rome.... when can i go there?!.... i guess i'm a little different. i love Rome and want to discover the art and history myself one day. i'm fascinated by it and it will always be my dream holiday vacation. that's why i think i'm a lil different. most people will consider UK, Australia, japan or Korea i supposed.
then again, i don't know what makes me blog today. maybe it's because of my guilt for not updating my blog these days when i'm so free. oh ya, i was emo-ing the whole day this morning. rather, yesterday morning. what a sunday morning. gloomy and my dad told me that he just ruined the blouse that i bought on the singapore trip with cal they all on thursday... i tought it was just a small problem and it turned out like this!!!! no matter how much Clorox just can't save my blouse. sobx
you see.... green and brown. at different places

you think it's clean. but it's not on the other side.
it was so sad. i tried it on for less than 5 minutes and it's not wearable anymore.

emo.emo.emo.

then went Hyatt for FACON education fair. the trip there made me so unsure of where to further my studies later. i so wanna study in JC before this and now i'm not sure of it anymore. i wonder if i should sit for the entrance test then wait for the result and then only i decide. future planning won't be a problem if i accepted the scholarships.

i will think about this again and make a decision within this week when i get a good nice sleep.

thinking needs energy too. in fact, a lot of energy is needed. tonight, is such a good night to have a sweet sweet dream. i shall not waste any minute typing this.

~yawn my way to wonderland~

oh!

finally, happy birthday to miss fann shar linn

~yawn my way to wonderland~

2008-11-27T22:23:00.016+08:00

emo day.

won't be seeing this sign anymore in future i suppose

climing up the stairs which i felt tired of doing it everyday previously(for four years!!). now, this is my last time to do so, so i take extra careful steps and appreciate every second i'm climbing the stairs..

i'm so gonna miss my classroom for four years!!
(2A, 3A, 4SC1, 5SC1)

yatta!!!!!
exam is finally over...

this is wad i did during moral and add maths period...
aih.. can't sleep without noise..

*woke up*
me and my little shadow..

goodbye smelly toilet

cal, mei ping and me...

good bye convent...

T.T

yummy yummy...

we're proud to be convent girl...
it does not matter if we studied in convent for 11 or 5 solid years
once a convent girl,
always a convent girl.

future.... what is it like in future? i would love to explore myself but i seem to afraid to see what's going to come in future.
still a long long life journey to go...
just like this picture. it's not as long distance as it seems to be but we see it in such a way.

i know i couldn't wait for today to come last time...so emo now. T.T
as fast as we make friends
we come to notice how much faster we can lose friends
how much more friends we will become friends with
the good times i had in convent will be kept in my heart forever
reality is moving fast
and the reality is we will never see some friends anymore
but even though we'll all change and million miles apart
we'll all remember the times we had together in convent.

2008-11-25T18:10:00.007+08:00

hello. everybody. it's me back to the blogging world. it has been more than one month with no updates. then again, this does not mean that i've been choking on books and swallowing every dot of word in the reference books. the truth? i did or i don't have any feeling that i'm sitting for SPM at all. compare to PMR, i think my laziness level rise up to 101%. tsk tsk... i wonder why i don't feel tense or stressed out like i did last time during every school small or major exam. spm is like the stepping stone to tertiary education and it's important to get scholarships. sigh.. what's the point of sighing actually? i don't think i still be able to solve all the add maths paper2 questions. i don't think it will do any good if i were given more time to practice. i need more time to do that freaking paper2 actually. my panic attack started when i don't know how to solve 1,2,3... questions. then a,b,c.... gosh.. forget about it as the nightmare for most of the form5 students is going to over soon. yay. no more sejarah in future! no more physics in future... hahahaha.

by the way the main purpose i want to blog today is not about crapping how lazy i am during these few weeks. okay, it's about how youth are celebrating their birthday these days. how do you want your birthday celebration to be like?

in singapore, they seem to have a more innovative and creative way to celebrate their peers BIG DAY.

i always believe ACJC to be an outstanding and one of the top JC in singapore. so i thought the students there are all the nerdy type where they would hold a book in their hands during lunch break or what. and i also believe that there are many students who speak in heavy chinese accent.^^

okay, back to birthday celebration. recently, an ACJC girl tied up, roughed up, and humiliated. why??? why did it happen? truth is... this is how they celebrate their friend's birthday. wow...

What kind of birthday celebration is this???? i know people throw cake at the face or give a surprise party for birthday girl or boy. this is like... too much. they tried to stuff the food into the girl's mouth. although the birthday girl knew about the plan and she did not mind at all, it still utterly disgusting to have food and milk stuff into your mouth right. this is how they seek fun in the birthday celebration. =.=
her friend was throwing milk on her... chocolate milk bath? yucky..
i don't know why it seemed fun for them to do all these to their friends. this is really an extraordinary birthday celebration. to be watched by the whole school is already enough. i don't understand why they uploaded it to youtube. isn't that something shameful for so many people to know and comment about?

there's another case. it was a birthday boy in SAJC. i guess such thing happen in every school. more and more videos of students being ragged are surfacing. this time, SAJC rugby boys, who uploaded a clip of them throwing a birthday boy into a bin, rubbing his genitals with toothpaste, and slamming his nether regions against a pole. ouch man... i don't know how that boy stand it and i don't want to know.

have some fun during birthday celebration never mind. but i think they went overboard. perhaps this is how they distress themselves from a mountain high of homework and textbooks. birthday girl or boy always the center of attention for everyone who knows them. this time they really made it big and got the attention from the society.
will you ever dream of such birthday celebration? i certainly hope that this do not happen in malaysia and will not even want to experience it on my own and don't even want to look at the live action with my own eyes. it's just too gross and yucky.

still, this is just my personal opinion about this issue. do not give any comment on this if you don't like what i wrote. refer to http://www.stomp.com.sg for more singapore updates.

*sources are from www.stomp.com.sg

2008-10-10T21:20:00.004+08:00

"i tried again and again. i am tired of trying. trying to make her happy,trying to make her accept me... but she just won't. she won't talk to me ever again. i know it was my fault and i already apologised many times to her. but she just can't let go and forgive me. to her, i cut her heart deeply more than any blade possibly could and she will never forget that incident that happened two years ago. and i, lost her as my closest friend forever in my life. her name, was rosy.
she was once the most important person in my life. she was my closest friend, a good listener and i, even regarded her as my "life-time companion". we used to....."

people from class 5 science1,
does this sound familiar to you?
yes, this is one of the question in English trial paper.
and yes. i wrote it.
so...
yeah.
i am being labelled emo again.
this time,
by my English teacher.
and guess what
she said "don't be emo, be elmo"
what the!!!!
i did not write stuff like that on purpose!!
and i, was not emo when i was writing it
was just rushing to get my essays done within 30 minutes.
i guess i totally have no faith in guys right now
so i regard my best friend as my "life-time companion"
girls, beware!!! =D

so now, after you read this, laugh your head off...
in any way you want.
i have good intention in posting this you know.
i am trying to make any of you relax.
so now, laugh out loud
laugh like you have never laughed before.
you can even roll on the floor.
make sure you tape it down when you are rolling
and then upload it to YouTube.
i'm sure...
there will not be many people who want to watch.
besides,
doctor Wong said before,
"laughter is the best medicine."
whatever sickness you are having now
or how SICK you are,
just stand and laugh in front of the mirror
oh,
as you are reading...
don't fell off the chair
i'm sure it will hurt.

you want to say something like: "lame , lame, lame...?"

2008-10-03T23:49:00.005+08:00

sometimes i wonder if my decision to start my own blog was right. many things happened here within these few months. anyway, this blog has became a place for me to let out my feelings. i do the writing and you do the reading. why must any of you interfere my life? can you people just leave me alone and truly get the way out of my life?! don't you have better things to do instead of doing all these to me? what benefits do you get out of this?
joy?........... you are SO mad.

some people said they come to my blog to see how pathetic my life is. is my life that pathetic?! i don't think so. i guess my life is way more interesting than any of your life. do you ever have a twist of fate in your life? if i were born in the states, my life would be a completely different story!!

some said i don't have a life. i don't have a life? what was that supposed to mean? am i dead? i'm still living perfectly and you said i don't have life. come on, teach me how to live my life so that you won't say i don't have a life.

i have to tell you, my life is filled with sweetness, bitterness and sourness... oh, it had some spices to make it live-able too.

it's normal.

if i study 24/7 and do nothing else then you are eligible to say that i don't have a life, okay?!

i really have no idea on when the war has begun. whether if it's just the starting point, i don't know. no matter what, i will never be at the losing end. fat hope that you people will win. if you want to show me your white flag, come on and show it to me.

i was already not satisfied with my high school life and life here in JB, and you people came here and made things even more complicated and worse for me.
i have to say this, i hate high school!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there's nothing here for me to miss except my friends. my true friends.

many of you do not know the real me at all and what i've went through. you think you see the surface then so what? big deal?

my life does not become ugly just because the presence of you people. my life has become more beautiful because of the supports that i get from my friends and family.

no matter how many of you trying to tear me apart, knock me down, see me fail.... i'll still be here blogging about what i feel. everything has its limit. don't push things too far or you'll be sorry.

leave me alone and give me a break!!!!!!!!!
i need fresh air.

2008-09-29T00:37:00.006+08:00

after reading julia's loooooong story on her blog, well... i feel like starting mine too. julia, don't say i copy you. i'm just following your footstep. haha

okay, i shall start with... for your information, i almost became an ABC. don't get me wrong. i'm not the (ABC, ice kacang) that you would crave for when the weather is super hot like these few days. i almost became an American-Born-Chinese. how cool is that. my parents met each other in the states and then the wedding bell rang. and can you believe this? my mum told me that she told my grandmother that she was getting married the very next day. my grandmother had no idea of who was going to be my mum's husband and she didn't even know that my mum had a boyfriend. thank god my granny didn't get heart attack after receiving the most shocking news to them through the phone.

will the history repeat again on me?lol.
i guess no. i don't need a man. and i'm still alive.

the story continues.... my mum was already 6 and a half months pregnant when my dad decided to come back to malaysia. it wasn't easy for her to get a flight ticket back here. thanks to their much perseverance to come back to malaysia, i became a malaysia citizen. so, they got back and i was born in Kuala Lumpur. when i was young my mum used to dress me up like a princess. it was a trend last time. i supposed all our mums dressed their daughters like that last time. now, i see children departments in shopping complexes selling adult like clothes. some it's so cute because you can find the latest fashion in children's department which comes in a much smaller size.

i used to speak pure english at home. my parents conversed very well in american slang. one day, my grandma from dad's side said i should know how to speak my own mother tongue language-Cantonese. so i was forced to learn and speak it. it's quite common to speak Cantonese in KL as most of the people there knows how to speak fluently. it's actually quite useful you know. it's easier to bargain when you speak cantonese in KL.

i had my pre-school education for only one year. and i can't even remember what was my kinder garden's name. should be St__________. uhh i don't know what was the last name. my parents decided to send me to a chinese priamry school because my uncle said "we are chinese, we must know how to speak and write chinese! china is getting stronger and stronger. we must know how to speak our own language." so i was stuck in a chinese school in KL. i couldn't speak a single chinese word at that time. before that i was exposed to languages like english, cantonese and hokkien only. i was very enthusiastic in learning chinese. i forced my parents to speak chinese with me so that my classmates won't laugh at me. i didn't like to let my friends know that i know how to speak dialect and always pretended that i'm so so pro in speaking chinese(which was not true).

there's another thing...
i always had no problem to go school on the first day. let it be kinder garden or primary school. my mum asked if she need to accompany me to school for the first few days and i would said no. i got so irritated by those parents who waited for their babies outside the class windows every single day of school. it was very annoying for me to see those young kids at my age crying and sobbing on the first day of school. it's only school...

i had my first three years of primary education in KL. then my whole family shifted to JB. i didn't have a good impression on JB last time. when i was staying in KL i visited JB a few times before i went to singapore. to a person who stayed in a busy city, JB is so undeveloped and "kampung" to me. as days passed, JB has became one of the big city in malaysia and many things has also changed for the better. after living here for about 7 odd years, i started to like JB more. at least the traffic jam here is not comparable to KL-which is good. i got a place in Foon Yew 2 through some help.. i worked hard (not so hard actually =) ) for my UPSR examination and i became a student of convent. convent has always been my dream school. if my mum didn't register me to a chinese school, most probably i will end up in Convent, Bukit Nanas, KL. according to my cousins, girls there are not very well like by the others.hmmm... and according to my chemistry tuition teacher, most people don't like convent girls. i wonder why.

my lower secondary school life wasn't that interesting. i was a little hardworking than what i am today though. starting from secondary 3, my life kind of had a makeover. many things changed and i think i changed a bit too. secondary four school life, whoa.... like a roller coaster ride. i learnt, i fall apart.... now, here comes to the last year of high school life. okay, it's only less than 2 months away before high school really ends. this year, my life is full of fakers, hypocrites.... my blog is even full of spammers. just leave me alone, will you?

this is only part of my stories. i don't know how my story is going to end though. no one knows theirs. certainly there are things that i prefer to keep it to myself in my secret chamber..

childhood still remains the best for me. as i grow older.

2008-09-25T20:34:00.003+08:00

what a cute Tee

"i spy with my little eye"......

2008-09-21T12:41:00.004+08:00

I've moved on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarentees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
but now, i'm fine.

today in history.
one year has passed....

i' m. che vive felicemente e perfettamente senza voi
私幸せな

2008-09-19T20:57:00.005+08:00

first of all, i do not know what i did in a way that i offended you people. you can't see that i have a life then i'm so sorry i have to tell you this: I HAVE A LIFE!! if i don't have life then you don't too.

by the way, i'm not angry with your words or actions. i will not delete my blog but will rather make it private instead IF i'm angry. so far, i do not have the thought of setting my blog private. if i do, you people will not be able to disturb me and i can finally enjoy the peace and tranquility of blogging. the main reason that i'm still opening this blog to everyone is this, say what you want to say---like i care! i want to see what else you could say about me though. were we that close until you think that you know me so well?? if yes then i feel sorry for myself for trusting the wrong people. not anymore... never ever again i'll repeat the same mistake that i did.

want to comment, fine... but no bad word please. please be reminded that what ever you say will be reflecting your own character.

thank you very much for visiting my blog and for showing your concern towards my "pathetic" life. i have to tell you this, i'm living happily ever after with my best friends and family. if you don't have any, don't be envious. if you have, good for you. but please don't say anything about my friends as they really support me through thick and thin. and because of you people, i got to realise that there are many people who still willing to help me and support me even though we are not really close friends.
if you think my life is pathetic...
what about yours then? you are leading a perfect life now? are you sure that you can get straight A1s' for trial and spm?are you sure that you can succeed in everything you do without going through failure? is your life journey going to be that smooth all along till the end of the day?

let me tell you, never be too sure of anything...
i'm still in the process of growing up. and you are too....

2008-09-10T22:48:00.003+08:00

blog sphere is such an IN thing now isn't it? blog is an online journal, the place where you speak up, open up and let out all your thoughts. your thinking for your OWN blog, not others. just take good care of your own business before you interfering others life.
i really don't know what you people thinking about me out there. just get the way out of my life and especially MY BLOG. stay away from me because i don't need any of your comment you see. and i know where are you people come from. what's the freaking problem now? don't you ever have a life? leave me alone and you'll be blessed. this is my blog! my life, my thoughts , my say... if i'm what you said, then you are not as good as you think you are. if i'm that lousy, then you are nothing better than me, you fool.
please la... don't pollute the atmosphere of my blog. want to say something then start your own blog and say whatever you like.
i don't have the time to entertain you people one by one.

I ain't freakin'
I ain't fakin' this
I ain't freakin’
I ain't fakin' this
I ain't freakin'
I ain't fakin' this
Shut up and let me go

ciao.. will be sitting for chemistry exam tomorrow

2008-09-05T15:41:00.001+08:00

Always been the kind of girl that hid my face
So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say
But I have this dream right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show
It's time To let you know,
to let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark?
To dream about a life where you're the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

this is me-- camp rock ost

2008-08-25T14:22:00.002+08:00

i don't really know how to start with.hmm..okay. i... i think (well, quite sure) i saw your car parked at where my bus normally stops. if i'm not mistaken, i remembered your car plate's number. frankly i used to imagine myself sitting at the passenger sit beside you and you drive me around. although i'm two days older than you but until now i still haven't take my undang test.

you're blessed with all the good stuff around you. you are talented, smart and even get a car way before you actually you get your driving licence. how many people out there are so lucky? okay, i forgot that you don't believe in something that called 'luck'.

i guess i'm not good enough to fit into your world. i might have destroyed it when i hurt you. although i'm the one who seems to aim for perfection every second, but i don't have a perfect life. somethings are fated to be that way and you just don't have the power to change it.

we seem to be perfect stranger now, don't we?

i don't know when we will break the silence and get things back to the days when we were still friends. maybe that day will never come at all.

certain things for sure, they are so near to you and yet, so far away.
i feel your presence , but you are not here as a friend.

there are times that i'm not okay too. and i don't like it.
i don't like to be such an emotional creature. sometimes i feel like crying, but i don't really know what are the tears for. i know i have survived from heartbreak and is more emotionally strong. still, i will stare into space and secretly shed my tears without my knowing.

i don't feel i've failed myself yet again
because i always know...tomorrow, i will be fine.

i don't expect anything from you but if next time, coincidentally...
and somehow we just meet, i hope you will remember me and say hi.

sarah is envious with the crafted ring we made for our anniversary. so what? it didn't last though. it's like a thorn in my eyes and i just couldn't bring myself to throw it away. it's filled with good memories and how could i do it?

cal said i'm missing the memories, not you. i guess so but i wouldn't admit if i do. i will never dare to say i miss those memories.

everything seems like it happened yesterday

2008-08-22T12:25:00.006+08:00

TGIF
22nd August.

Today is the 234th day of the year. There are 131 days remaining until the end of the year.

today's birthday...
Singer Howie Dorough (Backstreet Boys) is 35.
Rock musician Jeff Stinco (Simple Plan) is 30.

history of today...
In 1911, theft of the Mona Lisa was discovered.
In 1926, gold was discovered in Johannesburg, South Africa.

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

if things have not changed and everything is still perfectly fine, yes... this would be the second year's celebration.

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

"there will be more anniversaries to come..." yeah, right.

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time i am happy living =)
So much for my happy ending

before i sign off, i would like to dedicate a song. okay, well, a lyric to YOU. you said it was our song. and yes, this song tells a lot. reflecting how you felt and how i felt last time. yesteryear...

this song, is by Elliott Yamin -wait for you.

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you and I'm wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go
You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone
Girl you could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they
Keep runnin' down my face
Why did you turn away
So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be
[Chorus]
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you
Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me
You're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying
Baby why can't we just, just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you're telling me it won't be enough
[Chorus]
So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me
But I know it's a lie
What you're keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do
[Chorus]

time flies, really fast. i have never thought i could welcome today's coming with open arms. for this, i would like to give myself a pat on my back. i'm really proud and happy of myself. the whole journey all along wasn't great. i had many sleepless nights, lost of appetite, mood swings, emo-ness... you name it. i thought i would take up a few years time to let go. but now, here i am, sitting in front of the computer, blogging about it without any constrains. i'm totally okay about this. from so-not-okay to this stage, i think i took up a lot of courage.

i guess some of you would say, 'if you really let go and why are you still talking about this?'
i say ' why can't i?'
do not have any doubts against what i said because i 'm confident that i've moved on. totally-utterly moved on. i'm happy with my life and already used to feel his absence. i am happy now.

i realised that i do not moan about how terrible is my life and stuff like that anymore. i used to say 'oh god, why, why, why? what happened to me and my life? i want to be happy... i hate my life...' make happiness on your own. bring happiness to your friends and you'll be happy too. high school life is ending soon and we'll reach the next stage of our life. a more challenging and tough journey to go.

million thanks to all my lovely friends... especially cal. she puts up my craps and always willing to listen to me on the phone when i was a sober. one day, i'm sure you'll be fine like me. i hate it when i know how you are feeling now but there is nothing much i can do to help you. cheer up and be strong. saying these and be by your side is the least i could do for you, my dearest friend.

of course i have to admit that i do have some flashbacks every now and then. why? it's merely because the memories are still fresh on my mind and i have to say, you are still the person who gave such an impact on my life. thank you for all the memories. no matter good or bad, they definitely help me grow up. i believe that the mistakes from history will make you learn and be a better person.

still, i don't see the point why we should study Malaysia's not-so-factual history. kedatangan islam ke asia tenggara?? like i care to know.

there was a time i saw a break up scene on tv. it was really... heart-breaking. it was so much alike to the situation that i faced. and sadly, i cried.
so what? the next day i'm ME, i'm fine.

in our lives, we always tend to look back. that is why we always say 'if only...', 'i could do better...'
if only things are still fitting nicely in space, then we are supposed to be on a date and celebrate our second anniversary. nah, no more crap. over means over. let bygones be bygones and no more looking back. now, i will just ignore any disturbance coz' i won't want to say ' i could do it better' on the day i get my SPM result.

memoir of 22 august... a date that will still hold an important place in my heart for the next 15 years(maybe less).

god bless you.

2008-08-15T16:55:00.003+08:00

dah lah, i kena spammed AGAIN
people, what's your problem now?
did i say i'm a pro?
did i say i'm very good in it?
no matter who you are
whatever, like i care
i live my life and you live yours k
don't like then don't bother to read
and don't ever pollute my blog.
nak criticise, go somewhere else.
my blog is not a forum.

-say what i need to say-

2008-08-11T15:56:00.005+08:00

in addition to yesterday's post, i would like to say this country lack of talented dancer. well, why do i say so? just take a look at the latest season of Mxxxxxxx so you think you can dance then you'll know. they are considered as not bad.. but i don't say that they are qualified to be the favourite dancer in the whole country. even though i'm not a great dancer myself. i only got to learnt it for one year plus and it was like two years ago, i do know something about dancing okay. i think i could do so much better than what i know how to do now if i'm still attending lessons.

Axxxxxx's so you think you can dance
vs
Mxxxxxxx's version of so you think you can dance

you will never want to watch M version again if you do watch A version. M's dancer lack of something that A has. they dance ballroom dance like dancing malay dance only. oh not forgetting, they did perform a malay dance as part of their dance competition in the finals. the outfit for ballroom dance supposed to play a big role in the dance, but okay... as you can imagine.. the whole thing is ruined by wearing something that was not attractive at all. where are the shiny little beads or whatsoever little details on the dress? they covered most of their flesh exposing only hands and legs as if they were feeling super cold. =.=

M's favourite dancer
she has long legs
check
she is quite pretty
check
she is flexible
check
she has the potential to be the preferitti?
X not checked
(preferitti means the favourite ones in italian..)

sorry, too much of Dan brown.
no more Cecilia ahern yeah. it's Dan brown's turn and soon to be Stephen king's.

hey!! look at the angmohs... they can dance a variety of dance so why can't people in country M do the same too? the contestants from the dance floor-Singapore's show, have proven themselves that they succeeded way ahead in front of M. not only in this aspect but in many as well. i shall not say. i think most of you know.

so i can only conclude that M's version of so you think you can dance sucks. i never want to watch it again. the grand final was not as grand as it sounded.
and for the chosen one,
every single vote counts. it seemed like she got more than the rest so she got the title.
god knows if it was a fair game.

.i just love to rant.

2008-08-10T21:30:00.004+08:00

dance to da beat...
actually, how many of you out there know that i can dance? i can... to your surprise, maybe.
yeah.. i know i don't look like that type of person.i love dancing. i love hip hop... i starting to love popping now. and guess what.. not many of you know about this though..
i can do break dance..
don't believe? then fine... I'll prove you wrong someday.
today it's the millionth time that i go to CS...again... the same pathetic place in johor bahru.
i met them...
i met those who are from my dance studio.. soul rhythm(SR). they were performing and promoting their dance.. ugh... i swear as hell i really wanted to go up there and join them and dance to their beat. if only i am still part of the SR family... dancing is something i want to do but i just can't do now. i took the dance lessons for granted when i had the chance to learn. i guess i never learnt how to appreciate things before it's too late. still, until today, I'm making the same mistake from time to time, again and again. when will i learn? i wonder.

my dance teacher!!! once upon a time... >.> i know he's kind of.... hmmm... fleshy.lol. but he can dance.

if only i were there.........................

when i have time i'll upload my dance video.. ^^ better visit my blog everyday in case.... there's some surprise.

2008-07-30T15:57:00.002+08:00

autograph...
high school is going to come to an end, so it seems... some of my friends are starting to pass around their autograph book. i hate to have the feeling that i don't want high school to be over. i want it to be over asap...
yeah, there are only about 104 days more before we sit for our so called major o-level exam. hmm.. o-level doesn't mean anything by now isn't it? without a master or 'Permanent-Head-Damage' (PhD) certificate you can hardly imagining yourself earning millions or billions in future. there are not many people who will stop continuing their studies at the age of 15 or 17 anymore. in this modernisation world, everything is about qualification and how many certificates do you have. without good academic results or a mountain high of certs, it's kind of hard to apply for scholarships or a good institution. certs determine all, i supposed. one thing bad my school is that the teachers are SO NOT generous in giving certs. that's not fair isn't it? well, there's nothing i can really do about that. i just got to study hard within this last two and a half months in order to realise my dream to be a cardiologist.
healing people's heart is something that i want to do very much, not breaking hearts like some. well, that's not the reason why i want to be a cardio surgeon when i grow up. okay, i'm already a grown up. old enough to think about my future. but what if i fail to realise my childhood dream? i really don't know what i would want to do then.
maybe... marry a rich man and be a tai-tai who goes for high tea in 5star hotel every single afternoon. lol.. i don't think it will ever happen though. i'm a person who aim high in my life and want to achieve high you know. i have no confident in believing others as much as i did last time. human is d-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s. especially some.... species. they are at every corner of this world, preying the innocent ones.
in about 104 days time high school will be over. it might be way faster than that as exams occupy most of the time in the next term. there is no way to enjoy any wonderful last moment in school without having holding your text books or any revision book.
high school, it's something that i both love and hate at the same time. i hate it because i didn't get to enjoy it the way it was supposed to be for everyone. by keeping a low profile is not something that i wanted to do. there's no getting back and start over again for most of the things that has already happened. so now,living with this regret for not giving my very best or participated actively. i can't wait for it to end. i've been wanting to start a new life, you see. a whole new chapter of my life and get rid of those down moments in my life. getting to know new friends, open up and enjoy life... but, friendships might come to an end too.. that's the thing that i afraid the most. we can't foresee future.. i don't know what's going to happen so i can only pray for the best.
actually, high school is not that bad after all. it's filled with wonderful memories at every corner of the school especially the same classroom that i've been studying for 4years. every year, different people, different story.
going up the staircases every morning, panting... waking up early every morning, struggling to wear my contact lenses, laugh like mad woman with some friends until stomach hurts...i couldn't help but smile at those little things when they flashed across my mind. hmm.. i think i sound like one who's studying in college now, reminiscing the past time in school.
and something that i will not forget for the rest of my life is the thorough body checking when i was in secondary one. thanks to that person who stole the money and brought the whole class into trouble. i was being molested by my female teacher in school for that. how sad...

when high school ends, it means.... no more canteen food. say cheers to that!
haha...

which also means... no more keropok lekor. aww.....!!!!!

and i can't see.....
julia and her apple,
mei ping and her pink water bottle accompany by roti jala and keropok,
cal and her 'lock n lock' tupperware with white bread inside,
yi th'ng and her bubur,
mok and her white bread with ham inside
sharmini and her rainbow coloured cakes ..........
ANYMORE!!

sob sob

high school never ends??

2008-07-23T15:32:00.002+08:00

to you...

you told me that you did foolish stuff to yourself.

it's very sad to hear that

i thought you wouldn't do such thing.

do you remember how you scolded me for doing that to myself last time?

it's not worth it.

and you know it too.

they won't feel a single pain of what you are going through now.

they won't understand

i doubt they will ever understand us

this is how life is.

love yourself like you told me to

i love you

there are many people who are nice around you

despite the fact that there are many hypocrites around as well

be strong

I'll always be here for you

you know i will.

you are always the first person that i turn to when I'm weak

you know you can count on me

BFF

i truly hope that our friendship will lasts forever.

it's something more practical to dream than dreaming an everlasting love

I've lost contact with my friends in KL

and those who are my best friend in primary school here.

i don't want the same to happen again

even when we have to go separate ways next year

let's not forget each other.

~you'll always be on my mind.

xoxo.gossip girls.

2008-07-16T20:29:00.003+08:00

what do you feel when someone judge your overall personality with that piece of paper and that piece of paper is actually very important to you? i worth only this much to you? after much i did for your present and stuff, you say i have no creativity??! i have no responsibility? and what you wrote didn't show any sincerity and concern about me or towards anyone! you don't even know me and there you simply judge me by saying something to cover up things. you did the same to almost everyone. hello... we human need recognition for the things we have done, don't we? a little appreciation or comment on that paper is very important. we need you to say something nice about us to ensure our bright future. won't you feel proud if we were a successful woman next time yet we still remember you in our hearts? someone who don't really know me knows me better than you do. what you wrote is totally not fair at all! i'm so disappointed. i had an nice image of you but you really spoiled the whole thing now. how could you crapped something like that?aih... forget it. at least i'm appreciated by someone else. i don't think i'll ever need your help.
i don't think i'm used to the teaching and studying environment over here in Jb. it's... different. the first day i stepped into this school i was very scared. the seniors were like tigress to most of us. we scared of seniors to death. but now? time has changed. we are the seniors now and we didn't do anything to our juniors but the juniors say we bully them. they are so rude. when i was in form 1 i don't do the things that our juniors do. they are so messy and dirty. argh.
i never liked jb in the first place. to me, this was a very ulu and dirty place and with a high crime rate.
okay... i think i was just being a plain kl people who thinks like that. it's true that kl people are more IN and we're way behind. i belong to part of jb now. it has been hmm... 7 years. time flies. well, i still don't like here. to me, i don't feel that this is where i truly belong. the people here could be so LC. i was a stranger in this place and now i'm a stranger in my own "kampung". i can't even recognise the way to my house when i go back.
i always wanted to go back to continue my studies for my tertiary education. now i don't know where i want to go at all. where should i go and what should i study? what should i do after form 5? the time has come and we have to make a decision soon.

ps, to anyone who read this post... what do you all think about studying in Russia?

2008-07-14T20:34:00.005+08:00

sorry that i've not been posting anything on my blog lately. sorry that every time you clicked on my URL but the stuff appeared were the same as before. okay maybe not really the same as i just updated my sidebar not too long ago. but as you can see, there were only old posts that you people out there might not really like it. sorry for wasting your (hmm...) 1minute time to wait for my blog to load and appear on your computer screen,trying to find something interesting on my blog but in the end, there was no update on anything. no more tags that flood my so-very-special tag box. okay, nothing special about my tag box. it's the classic version and i'm lazy to customise it. i was just being lame. everyday is the same basic routine that everyone does. eat, sleep, watch tv; then eat again, sleep, go online...
i'm supposed to study hard for my chemistry by now as i'm having a chem quiz thingy on Thursday. but you know, my heart is willing but my flesh is weak. i opened my book... okay, that was a very good starting point to me.
10 minutes past...
i'm still at the very first page of chapter 3- redox reaction. never mind.
30 minutes gone...
still at the second page.
hmm...
then i gave up. i went online or do anything else but study. i think this situation happens to most of you quite often. am i right? haha... it's normal to be like that, i think. it's just not normal to study 24/7.
back to topic. i had nothing to blog until today. at least there's something that i can rant about.

so what's so special about today man? my birthday? ugh... 5 months ago... by the way, i hate to have my birthday at the early of the year. people tend to forget or i always get my birthday present late. i can even get my present 6 months later after my birthday has passed. dear friends, you all should know what to do next year! lol ^^

okay... today is my first flag day duty of the year and my very last flag day of my whole life time, i suppose. *unless i go form6, which is like my very last choice. i was hoping that i will have an unforgettable experience of doing my last duty ever. but sadly, no. it was boring in the first place. the tins are extra heavy this year. today is only the forth day wei. i could say i brought my members to tour the whole jb town in just few hours. from post office to banks. we (okay not 'we'.. it's 'me'. what to do? hungry what) wanted to buy bread from that old but famous bakery shop but the breads all sold off like hotcakes. there was nothing left except banana cake which is good to prevent constipation. we left and walked past the streets that are not meant for a good student like me to walk. would you go there for a haircut? uhhuh, you should know what i mean. then we passed by custom and we came to Merlin tower. i remembered my form 2 class teacher saying that we could go there and eat sushi sometime. oh come on, sushi in Merlin tower? dvds in Merlin tower, that's more like it! after that we went to CS. yeah, CS again. i wonder how many times i went there within this month. then we went to metro car park, bus station, Jln Wong Ah Fook.... wow, what an amazing tour. it was darn tiring.

we 'toured' under the sun and in the 'pouring' rain... sweat plus rain water=???

my last duty ever, that's how it was like.

2008-07-05T15:59:00.005+08:00

life is not a bed of roses. yeah.. everyone knows that. solutions are at the hand on most occasions, but are not necessary always easy to find.

i was weak, once upon a time in my life. i know i have a long way to go so i'll definitely live my life to the fullest. i don't want to live with the regret of not completing it and go to the grave thinking about it.

words won't kill me. i hope mine won't kill you people out there.

stop being childish and act like an adult.

i came across this article in the newspaper. it was about a story of a young woman who went to her mother and told her how hard her life was and that she wasn't sure if she was going to make it through. she was tired of struggling and was on the verge of giving up.

her mother took her to the kitchen, filled two pots with water placed each on a high flame. then, she placed carrots into the first pot while eggs into the second.

twenty minutes of silence and just watching the contents in the pot boil...

she saw her mother turned off the flame and fished out the carrots and eggs and then placed them into separate bowls.

the mother handed the first bowl to her daughter and asked her to feel the carrots. she did what her mother told her and she noticed that they were soft. the mother then asked her daughter to take an egg and break it. she did and after peeling off the shell, handed her mother a hard boiled egg.

"what does it mean, mum?"

her mother explained that each of these objects had undergone the same "trial"- that was being boiled in water.

each reacted differently.

the carrot went in strong, hard and relenting. but in the end it came out softened and weak.

as for the fragile egg, with its liquid-interior, it's weak and can break easily. however, it became hardened after the ordeal.

then the mother asked her daughter, "when adversity knocks on your door, how do you want to respond? a carrot or an egg?"

am i the carrot that seems strong, but when pain and affliction come, wilts and becomes soft and loses my strength and the ability to live on?

or...

am i the egg that starts with a malleable heart and fluid-like spirit that seem to be very weak all the time, but after some crisis in life, becomes somewhat hardened?

i would like to be an egg, go forth and live my life like an egg! =)

i have my answer. do you have yours?

2008-07-03T23:20:00.003+08:00

i know there are people who talk about my blog posts behind my back. i really don't know what interested them so much then. it's like becoming a hot topic for people to gossip about.is it so interesting to read my side of story? i don't care what version of story you have heard... i'm very clear about what i am doing now.. and when i was typing the posts i wasn't drunk or hallucinating. i see something out of this happening. guys are acting much like a girl, gossiping about other people. in just one day i don't know how many 'constructive' tags i've got. if you find it so not interesting and you don't like it, then don't read! i didn't ask you to. some friends asked me to change my blog into a private blog. to me, it's not really necessary to do that. you wanna say something? you wanna criticise me? go ahead.. i would like to hear from you. a way of improving myself is by getting feedback from other people. as a blogger, and the owner of this blog, i can say anything i want. not like i'm pointing finger at that particular person by saying out their real name. if i offended anyone of you then i apologise for that. i might have made a wrong conclusion or a wrong statement, but they are just my point of view. you may or may not agree with me. i'm not pointing a gun at your head to force you to agree with me. we tend to judge people by their cover. it's something that most people do. some did without realising it themselves. how many of you never have the thought of being racist or judgemental? to me, it's a human nature. i know it's not good and we have to try to avoid doing it. there are many words of wisdom and blah blah blah... it helps, it inspires people. still, we human are always not so easily influenced by words. no matter how positive-thinking you are, there are times that you feel down and filled with negative thoughts. emotions control us instead the other way round. we have to stand up and be strong when it happens.
i fight hard.
it's a heavy burden for me if i don't voice out my opinion! it's so annoying to keep those things that frustrated me very much in my heart and have nowhere to let them out. with so many things happened in daily life, i learn how to be mentally strong day by day.

2008-07-01T16:30:00.003+08:00

to chua's friend,
i may or may not know you. you were trying to knock some sense into my head but i'm afraid that i'm still insisting on my own point of view very much. this is my blog. i don't write about political affair,i don't write random stuff... i write about what i feel, what i think and my point of view of the things i see or hear.
i'm on my way finding peace and tranquility. but before this i will have to sort things out. i was getting okay and happily living my life. it's just the things i saw reminded me of the stuff that i intended to forget so hard. i was beginning to be more optimistic about the happenings in my life. i have friends who face the things that i went through. i give them a piece of my mind and my fullest support. i totally understand what they are going through right now. i have to advice people so that they don't fall into the same pathway as i did. you can say i don't have what it takes to advice people. i know i did mistakes and not perfect a person. well, who is perfect in this world? i always aim for perfection. my notebook or exercise book are not perfectly done. i don't always do my homework. but if you see the time i spent on my project or maybe the jahitan work that i had to do in form1 and 2, then you will know that i ask for extraordinary and perfection. so, i was too much last time in asking someone to changed and be my perfect man.
when it comes to studies, i don't remember so clearly and so much about the things i read. however, i will remember most of the things that people said or done to me. if you ask me, i can tell you the events that happened according to chronology very well. i remember digits super well, so i remember dates. i dislike about this 'ability' though. how nice if everything can 'easy come, easy go'? i remember too much. i want to forget but it takes a long time to do so.
i can't wait for my secondary school life to be over. to me, i feel that i can seriously start afresh once i get out of school. a new me. a new soul. i'm very prepared for what's coming into my life in future.

What hurts the most
Was being so close ...

i loved you with all my heart and soul. i guess it was never enough. i was very naive then. maybe you actually helped me grow up indirectly. everyone is wearing a masque. i came to realise that.

And having so much to say
And watching you walk away...

the major breakdown

And never knowing
What could have been ...

i never thought of all these before

And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do.
[rascal flatt's what hurts the most]
-a song that i used to cry every time i hear it.hate that i'm such a crying baby. i know i cried a lot too when we were together. all those unnecessary tears... *sigh.

what has happened has already happened. i can do nothing about it. still, thanks for the memories. the good and the bad.
**
goes on, I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that I've done
And things that haven't occurred yet
And things that they don’t want to take responsibility for
sorry, blame it on me- Akon

2008-06-30T15:10:00.007+08:00

i start to love the header of my blog pretty much now. funny thoughts about life's crazy happenings huh? yeah... life is so crazy.. maybe it's just my life. life? sigh. what do you know about life? we are asked to enjoy life.. but how am i supposed to enjoy mine? especially when so many things happened to me in such a short time. life is like a roller coaster ride. i don't say it's a thrilling one cause i don't enjoy the process and those moments. c'mon, i'm only 17, why should i be drowned with all the problems in my life? problems, problems, problems... one after another.all my friends asked me not to think. is it possible? it's a hard thing to do.

when i first started this blog... i wanted it to be colourful and filled it with all the positive thoughts... but now... everyone says it's an emo blog. =(
emo? sad?
i didn't know it turned out this way though.. i just let out whatever that's in my head now... it's the stuff that happened to me.. it's my feelings... the real me... it's what i'm going through right now. it's my complicated life. sometimes i feel that it's so unfair.. why do i have to go through so much more than the rest? why can't i have a carefree life? well, i think it was my decisions that lead me living this way. i didn't volunteer for it.

my heart
there's like 99% of let go and 1% of holding back
still.
i don't miss you
i don't love you anymore...
sometimes the images of us just flashed across my mind.
the good and the bad...
the memories replaying inside my head like a movie trailer
every single word you said...
every move you took...
every hugs and kisses...
the memory of you...
is playing in my head all along

for almost 6 months..
i cried myself to bed every single day.
do you know?
do you even care?
and finally...
i accepted the fact that you don't belong to me or anyone else anymore...
i started to let go and treat you like a friend.
but where were you then?
you said you would be here for me as a friend.
where did you go?
you just turned away and stopped talking to me.
i was getting used to your absence
then i read something unexpected...
just two days ago
but after 10 months that it actually happened.
it's too late.
now i know why you didn't want to be with me anymore.
i asked you, my friends asked you...
but you said everything is not important to you anymore
"it's not just that. that's not the problem now" , you said.
now i know why...
it was her.

there are times that i still wonder of your welfare.
do you bother to know mine?
do you still remember that i was your... never mind.whatever.
you said i'll be in your prayer forever
the statement should be changed now.
i guess you forgotten most of the pasts already.
maybe...
the things i gave to you are already gone

i always thought you were different.
but you are just one of a kind..
all of you are the same.
whatever promises ..
all are bullshit!

within two years, there are people...
who call me nasty names, who betrayed me, who cheated me, who pretended to be friend with me... i'm tired.. why is human so scary? in two years time, i experienced love, joy, heartbreaks, gossips about me.
god, help!!! save me, free me...
heal me... i just want a simple life.
i don't want to experience all these..
i only need my friends and family.
how i wished there is people in this world who can clear my memory just by touching my head like the guy in Heroes.
just by a touch... then, all my scary encounters will be gone. for good.
sigh... what makes life interesting then?
i'm supposed to enjoy my teenage years.. not by fretting over with all the problems
i regretted for loving you too much.
and for putting all the blames on myself
the cuts...
good thing they are not visible at all.
i'll regret more than ever.

that day i saw your sister in school, i was wondering whether to say hi or not. in the end i did.. i don't know what you've told her and what she thinks about me. not important to me though.
just thought that i should say hi since i was walking past her

2008-06-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

if jigoku shoujo's website really exists, i will not hesitate to key in your name and send you to hell. you think you deserved to be in heaven?after much said and done...
i know it's not right to have a grudge against anyone. but.. is it right for you to put me in this type of situation by treating me that way then?
you tore my heart into pieces... did you ever think of the way you treated me after i was down-graded to your friend lists? well, we might not be friends right now. i swear... i don't forgive and forget that easily. you have no reasons for me to forget all your bad and remembering your good.

everything...

it was you...

you were my reason to smile
you were my guardian angel
you were my tissue paper
you were my ears, my eyes
you protected me
you shed my tears away
you hold me firm and strong...

it was you...

you were my reason to cry
you were the one...
you scarred my heart, my soul...
you took my happiness away, living me in darkness.
you took your words away
you walked away, leaving me crying so hard
but who heard me?

in the end

the one who had the magical power to stop me from crying is the one who made me cry so badly

i know... i made mistakes
i know... i hurt you in the first place
but if our love was that strong why wouldn't you give me a second chance?
how could you bear to let me suffer
how did you feel when i was crying so badly on the phone?
when you cried,
what was the reason that make you cry?
was it because you forced yourself to let go?
or was it because you felt guilty about breaking your promises?
or you felt guilty about finding someone that you were quite interested
you might be very happy that you were free
and that i said it out of fit of anger at the right moment.
and at the right time... you found someone else.
so you didn't have to say it to me in the very end.
i did the job for you...
true?

you broke my heart into thousand of pieces, i mind...
you broke all the promises that you once made, okay never mind...
you said nasty things to me,bearable...
you treated me coldly, never mind...
you stop treating me as your friend, i don't really mind. then, it was you who said you hate that many couples become enemy after they broke.
what exactly were you thinking?

and i just realised something that happened long ago... i felt so angry after reading it. i felt stupid and foolish and angry cause i only happened to find out the reasons now. no wonder you treated me like that. no wonder you two went out. no wonder you started messaging her. no wonder............ no more wondering. the posts tell me the tale of you and her.
i was already disgusted by her since 2 years ago in tuition. i felt like throwing bad eggs at her now. for him, i really feel like giving him a rude awakening on his face!

love is simple and yet can be complicated at times. it's like doing a 5000 pieces puzzle. it's hard to get the right piece and it takes a long long time to get the final piece. even though you get the final piece, you might not be able to hold or secure them in their places.
i was told, girls tend to be more mature than guys and guys will only be more mature as they grow older. well, it's very true. they don't know us, girls well...never will they do...

I'm not complicated.
I'm just a normal girl-an emotional creature
is love and be loved in return a very difficult thing to do?!

2008-06-28T20:23:00.003+08:00

hey blog, you are one month old!

$0metimE theRe Is n0 NeXt t!Me No SecOnD chANCe, No tiME oUT, somEt!me$... iTS NoW or NEveR

-i'm gonna be hardworking-
-i'm gonna study like a nerd- *as if
-i'm gonna do well-

i believe...
i can do it!

never accept failure. no matter how often it visits you. keep on going. never give up. never.

2008-06-20T21:13:00.005+08:00

*don't ever give people names.*

[Four letter word just to get me along
It's a difficulty and i'm biting on my tongue and I
I keep stalling, keeping me together
People around gotta find something to say now
Holding back, everyday the same
Don't wanna be a loner
Listen to me, oh no I never say anything at all
But with nothing to consider they forget my name
(ame, ame, ame)

They call me 'Hell'
They call me 'Stacey'
They call me 'her'
They call me 'Jane'
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
They call me 'quiet girl'
But i'm a riot
Mary, Jo, Liza
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name

I miss the catch if they throw me the ball
I'm the last chick standing up against the wall
Keep up, falling, these heels they keep me boring
Getting glammed up and sitting on the fence now
So alone all the time and i
Lock myself away
Listen to me, i'm not
Although i'm dressed up, out and all with
Everything considered they forget my name
(ame, ame, ame)

They call me 'Hell'
They call me 'Stacey'
They call me 'her'
They call me 'Jane'
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
They call me 'quiet girl'
But i'm a riot
Mary, Jo, Lisa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name

Are you calling me darling?
Are you calling me bird?
Are you calling me darling?
Are you calling me bird? ..............]

that's not MY name, by the Ting Tings.

2008-06-13T17:02:00.007+08:00

at times
i feel that i'm not myself at all.
i don't feel like i'm the real me..

..BACK THEN..
when i was studying in kl,
i was not the quiet one in class.
in fact, i talked to my friends non stop and teachers had to give me a stern look to shut me up.
they always complained to my parents about my noisiness and they even wrote that in my report card as the comment. =.=!
when teacher asked questions, i always be the first one to answer their questions.
there was no problem with me talking in class.
i sat with a group of good friends..
girls and boys.
my best friend was the smartest girl in the school.
other people claimed that my hand-writing was the nicest in the whole class.
i had never disappoint my teachers and my parents.
i took part and won in many competitions.
i was an athlete (believe it or not)
i was always the top 5 in my class.
school life was fun, interesting and carefree then..
i loved to go to school and always hated holidays very much.

unexpected things happened...

..NOW..
my best friends..
they are in the class next door.
sometimes i wonder,
are we still best friends?
do they think the same way as me?
are they each other's best friend except me?

my studies..
it's not good enough compare to other people in my class.
i feel stupid.
i don't feel like i deserve to be there in the first place.
i hardly talk in class.
i'm one of the quiet ones.
but i'm not hardworking.
i don't study like a nerd.
i can't help for feeling guilty about not studying hard enough
i have quite an interesting life
i do have friends in my class..
but i don't have a gang of friends in class like i used to do.
i had trouble with finding partner for project or anything.
when i went to the class on the first day,
i wonder if there was an extra place for me
whenever teacher is not around,
i talk, of course
but i don't have a gang of friends to talk about the stuff that i know.
when i feel that i'm out of their topic,
then i 'siam'(went away) and find other friends to talk to.
i hate being like this.
the same thing happens everyday.

i feel out.
the Chinese gang always talk about Taiwanese or Korean drama which i have no idea on what they are conversing.
then
i have friends who have been my classmates for five years
since form 1 till now.
i don't know what i can do to start a conversation with them.
we're like from different world,
and i'm like not very welcome to enter their world.
i don't belong to anywhere
so there..
here i am..
being alone and the odd one in class.
not really that odd and that bad
but this is what totally opposite compare to my school life in kl

i really don't enjoy my secondary school life as what other people do
i can't wait for it to ends actually.
i desperately need a new environment to start a new life again.
there is only a few months left before secondary school life is really over.
i don't think there's anything for me to rememnisce
shall i continue living like this?
it's suffocating.
i wanted to make myself comfortable in class
but how??
my best friends who know me are not here with me.
they are busy people unlike me.

my loved one..
was one of the busiest people.
that was why i felt more lonely.
i couldn't ask my friends to spend more time with me
so i demanded more time from him.
that's one of the reason why i failed to have him
the selfishness i had lead me to a major breakdown.

for the people who don't know me
they don't understand how i feel at all.
who truly knows how i feel on the inside?
no one.
they hate me
they give me nasty name
the world hate me
i hate myself too.
am i an alien from outer space and anyhow ended up being here just to be left out by the rest?

i'm tired for having all these to myself.
i tried so hard to swallow everything and keep all of it in my heart.
i thought i could survive.
i always needed someone to talk to.
someone who cares..
but where?
and who?
they thought i'm alright but actually i'm not.
i'm not happy.
do they know??
can they see it in my eyes?
they don't understand how i feel.
no matter how many words i put to describe my feelings,
they will never truly understand.

when i'm sad
and i close my eyes and cry
i think of my grandparents.
even though they have gone for years.
but i feel that they are the one
who knows me and who will support me no matter what.
i miss them.
i still remember their smiles and their looks.

do i always have to live on memories?

i search for the way i should live
long enough.

but

i'm. still. lost.

is it too much to want somebody who is trustworthy and nice to talk to?

`0nLy tHe l0NelY`

2008-06-05T11:56:00.004+08:00

the pollution in the society

-sound pollution, pollution of morality...

some people's life is that sad.they have nothing better to do but to spread gossips or rumours about other people. and most of it is not true. (hate it! it's a kind of sound pollution!)

they add water, vinegar,pepper, or whatsoever to the fact and twist and twist and twist. they think they know a lot and that they are so great. hey let me tell you, those people are no one but plain loser in the end. they think they can defeat you by words. hell, i gotta tell you..all of you. no words can bring me down so easily. i might be a little emo or a little troubled at times.. still, i will be strong. if you think you can bring me down by words and all the sayings then you are totally wrong. this will make me even stronger, by the way. i always know when to pull myself up. you can fool or influence other people by what you say , not the friends who truly know me though. you can't do something like that just to make my friends stop believing in me.

i pity those people very much. their life must be so sad and that they have to say or do something to other people in order to "entertain" themselves. and about it, i don't feel like defending myself. let them do what ever they want...as long as they are happy. being happy is about bringing happiness to other people, right?( if it meant this way) I'm not going to bother about those things that will affect my life now. i live well, do well...i have my conscience... i know who i am better than anyone else. you don't have the right to judge me.

their mind, their body, their soul...
should be sterile with saline water..
if it's not powerful, then use holy water..
i think it works..
those people are sinfully sinned!

we always have to be careful with the people around us.
FRIEND or FOE???
you never knew their true faces until quite some time..
you never knew who will betray you..
even if she/he is your best and closest friend.

homo sapien...
it's the one who complicates life and makes the world so hard live and makes some people hard to fit themselves in.

MY LIFE IS NOT FOR DISCUSSION!!!

no one has a right to judge anyone because in any religion,it is God and God alone who determines all, and the right to abrogate the power has not been given to anyone.

2008-06-04T21:09:00.005+08:00

are you sure there's 24 hours today?
okay..
i know i'm being lame here.
everyday has 24 hours..
but why does today seem to be so much shorter than usual day?

time flies when you're having fun..

see, i only got 4 hours of sleep yesterday night.
why in the hell i'm still so energetic?
i'm supposed to feel sleepy by now..
but hell,
NO!!!!
i don't feel sleepy at all!
it really sucks.
i'm having insomnia!
it's not the first time for me...
everery holiday break..
i suffer from this symtom.
it's so terrible!

went out with julia, yi th'ng and calista just now.
oh, i got to tell you!!
something happened.
it was SO embarassing.
actually..
shouldn't be talking about it in my blog.
but anyway...

..................

we forgot to pay after having lunch at Summer.
we were happily walking out without noticing it..
until...
a girl went up to me and she asked if we paid for the lunch.
i froze there
my cerebrum was abit malfunction at that time..
it took me long enough to interpret what she said.
it was so embassing!

imagine someone come up to you and ask you to pay for the lunch that you DON'T REMEMBER to pay?! >,<

*good thing there was not any junior nearby us.. otherwise...
i can't imagine otherwise...*

I'm not satisfied!!!! we had not enough time to shop ... *groan*

a hard Brownie made by my dearest friend, Julia!!
it's kinda hard to bite but it tastes nice..
so sweet and it almost melted me..

xx. always can't get enough of food. xx

XD